


Terezi: Press Continue

by peridoting



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Caliginous-Flushed Vacillation, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, The Homestuck Epilogues, Time Shenanigans, Troll Romance (Homestuck), some of these tags are for chapters i haven't even written yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2020-03-09 16:41:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18920968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peridoting/pseuds/peridoting
Summary: When Terezi regains the memories of two more lives, she knows she needs to fix things.At a picnic that will distort the fate of reality and the narrative it occupies, John isn't feeling that hungry.Part 1 (chapters 1-6): Terezi fixes most of the conflicts from the actual epilogues.Part 2 (chapters 7-12): New conflicts create themselves because otherwise there'd be no story.





	1. Prologue: Be Terezi / Chapter 1: A fun picnic in the park

#  Prologue: Be Terezi.

Your name is Terezi Pyrope. You’re out here in the furthest ring, looking for your moirail (is she still your moirail?) who left ages ago to fight an indestructible demon. You know full well that the odds are one in a million for you to actually find her here, especially after that black hole appeared and started fucking up the fabric of reality, but you don’t really see anything worth turning back for. The only two dudes you’ve ever bothered to even  _ consider _ a relationship with seemed to be shacking up with each other these days, and you certainly have no higher calling in the political world of Earth C. You’ll either find Vriska out here and go back with her, or drift aimlessly until you run out of food. Even a black hole isn’t stopping you from continuing this search. No, you can’t really think of anything that would change this plan for you. Nothing at all.

###  >Terezi: Remember.

Remember what? As far as you know, you’ve gotten in touch with every single alternate Terezi that matters. You remember the Terezi who actually tricked John into dying all those years ago. You remember the Terezi who let Vriska fly away to fight Jack, getting everyone and then herself killed. You definitely remember the Terezi who killed Vriska, spent three years being abused by the world’s shittiest clown, watched all her friends die, headbutted John, and died. You don’t think you’ll ever be able to forget the memories of that Terezi. You’re far from knowing the life and times of every single you that’s ever lived and died in Paradox Space, but why would you even want that? Becoming some sort of “Ultimate Terezi” or whatever sounds like possibly the shittiest experience since the time a juggalo suplexed you directly onto your spine. Which is to say, you would be forced to recall infinite times infinite Terezis were suplexed onto infinite spines.

No, you think you’re perfectly fine only having the traumatic memories you’ve already remembered.

###  >Terezi: Go home.

Home? What home? Home isn’t a place to you, home is a person. If there’s any chance at all of finding her out in this blank white hellscape, you’re willing to take it. Even if there’s absolutely nothing out here. Even if you’re going to run out of food. You can’t stop looking, not for anything.

###  >Terezi: At least find some food.

There’s no food out here! There’s nothing at all, you just said! Jegus, is it that hard to understand there’s no helping--

Oh wait what’s that?

###  >Terezi: Get closer look.

It looks like a lollipop, floating out here even after all the other wreckage of the dream bubbles has fallen away. And... is that a raw steak? Yes indeed, it would appear that what you are looking at is a piece of meat and a piece of candy orbiting each other, in turn orbiting a reality-consuming black hole. Far from the strangest thing you’ve seen over the course of your life, and more than welcome with how limited your supplies are. You pswoooop over to grab the inexplicable food, and

###  >Terezi: R3M3MB3R!

Yes, you remember now. Two more lives you didn’t live.

I’m not going to describe what you’re remembering, because I’m sure you (the reader) know exactly what all happened. And if not, read the Epilogues already! ([or the official recap](https://homestuck2.com/recap))

You stop dead in your tracks. You need to go back. Somewhere in paradox space,

TEREZI: JOHN 3GB3RT 1S B31NG 4 FUCK1NG 1D1OT.

#  Chapter One: A fun picnic in the park

John sat cross-legged on the blanket, facing what he was pretty sure was the worst decision he’d ever have to make. He really did prefer life before he knew there even  _ was _ a choice. One day he was supposed to go fight Lord English so that the whole timeline would check out, and he would do that once the time came. Besides, he had no idea how that whole convoluted mess pieced together, he just knew that he was a keystone to it with his zappy retcon thing. He had no choice in the matter, or so he thought. But all of a sudden, he could just _not do it_? Nobody should ever be forced to make a choice on that scale. His own happiness for an indeterminate length of immortal life, being seen as a god by a world he helped create, maybe even having another chance with Roxy, with just a bit of a risk the world falls apart? Alternatively, holding together a timeline that had already been sucky for a long time, at the price of oblivion. Did he even care about the integrity of paradox space or whatever? As far as he was concerned, all of that stopped mattering as soon as he and his friends walked through that door.

\---

Terezi turned around, facing what she was pretty sure was the direction of the medium and her frog. Time to see how much fuel these rocket wings had left, and just how fast they could go.

\---

“ ...or perhaps something for yoUr sweet tooth, if a lUst for treats is what stokes yoUr desire?” Callie looked at John expectantly, gesturing to the food laid out before him. Had she been talking that whole time? Man, John really had to stop spacing out like that. Going on lengthy internal monologues about your emotional turmoil was more of a Dave thing, anyway. How long had Callie been talking about food? John had lost track.

\---

How long had she been out here? Terezi had lost track. She turned back hours ago? Days? Some amount of time had passed, or maybe not passed, since Terezi remembered the hell that was about to go down on Earth C, all of it boiling down to a single decision made by John fucking Egbert.

\---

“john? earth to egbert, anyone in there?” Roxy was saying something too. John realized he was definitely being talked to, this time by Rose’s hot mom. That was another thing John was hung up on. What even  _ was _ his relationship with Roxy? Maybe he should ask her out? Wait, no, he was out with her already, or something. And it would be rude to go ahead and bluntly admit he didn’t want a creepy green-skulled monster third wheeling. Gosh, that sounded mean to even think. Wait, Roxy was still talking. “what are u gonna eat?”

\---

And no, not the decision about whether to fight Lord English or stay and become a mustachioed dilf. Terezi had to stop the infinitely more pressing set of options laid out before him: meat or candy?

\---

Okay, he was being asked about his meal. The gears started turning in John’s head and he looked up at his company. Roxy and Calliope, the two maybe-girlfriends beloved by the Carapace Kingdom, were asking him which of the two foods called to him. There was a plate of bloody meat and a plate of garish candy, and they both looked disgusting to him. John never could get behind Callie’s peculiar tastes, he would usually just take a polite nibble of something and hope she didn’t notice he never finished anything she served.

\---

More time had passed, Terezi was sure of it. Since starting this mission, she’d taught herself how to base the passage of time off of her own bodily functions. For example, she knew she ran out of food long enough ago that she was hungry but not starving quite yet. Fuck it, maybe once she got to John she’d just eat both foods for him and spare him the trouble of deciding.

\---

“uh...” John wondered how to put it kindly. As difficult as he found it to enjoy her food, John still considered Calliope a friend and didn’t want to hurt her feelings. What should he say?

\---

Finally, Terezi was in the universe, and she could see Earth just minutes away. John had better not have gone and messed it all up already, she would be so pissed.

\---

“those both look awful, and I can’t believe i need to choose between food poisoning or diabetes. how about i go get some vegetables or something to cook that meat with?” John failed to put it kindly.

\---

There, she could finally see him. He still hadn’t taken a bite of either food, she wasn’t too late. No time to lose, only time for action.

\---

Before anyone could respond and tell John to please not be a bitch, Roxy stood up and pointed at something red and fiery streaking across the sky. “is that... what it looks like?” What it looked like was Terezi finally coming back from her suicidal expedition into the outer ring. And yes, it was exactly what it looked like.

Terezi landed with a stumble, tripped over herself for a few more steps, and then regained balance and walked up to John, who was now standing and gawking at her like an adorable dumbass. She looked awful, to be perfectly honest. It was impossible to know how long she’d been out and about in a place with no reasonable concept of time, but it had clearly been enough to take its toll on her. She was obviously famished, wobbly on her feet, and close to collapsing from exhaustion. She took off her glasses, mostly just for effect since she was blind, and regarded the scrawny young man that stood before her.

“uh, hey terezi. It’s really good to see you. in fact, i was starting to wonder if you were ever coming back. we’re kinda in the middle of something though, so can you--”

“UGH, JOHN. SHUT UP 4ND DON’T DO 4NYTH1NG DUMB FOR L1K3. F1V3 M1NUT3S.” With that, Terezi shifted her weight and headbutted John hard enough to knock him clean off his feet. She turned to his two dumbfounded companions, and addressed what really mattered: “H3Y ROXY. J3GUS, 1S TH4T FOOD? 1 H4V3N’T 34T3N 1N D4YS, YOU WOULD NOT *B3L13V3* HOW HUNGRY 1 4M.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it. Terezi Pyrope, fussing and meddling. How does she actually plan to save the timeline? We'll have to find out next time!  
> By which I mean you. You'll find out next time, and I already know. I wrote it already and I *chose* not to post it yet. Gotta rope you in somehow.


	2. A bunch of exposition happens and then Terezi flips a coin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all in the title.

It was quite the grisly spectacle, watching Terezi dispatch an entire picnic’s worth of meat and candy. She greedily tore at the pink moobeast flesh and poured colorful sugar right down her gullet. The furthest ring had distorted her two-week-or-so journey into years of absence, but there were no time shenanigans involved in how fast she scarfed down all this food. She was just that hungry. At one point Roxy offered her a napkin, but she just slapped the hand away and kept eating. John finally got up from the ground and tried to stop his bloody nose, but was immediately met with “3GB3RT, NO. G3T B4CK ON TH3 GROUND, 3GB3RT.” Calliope just watched the whole time with some alien combination of shock and intrigue; she was  _ enjoying _ this.

After only a few minutes, it was over. What was supposed to be an idyllic picnic had been pulled to an abrupt halt by one very hungry girl, and Roxy could feel the metaphysical (metanarrative?) implications sitting heavy in the air. “hey, uh, terezi. tz. can i call you tz? its really nice to see you and all but like. whatre you doin here?”

“and was it really necessary to head butt me?” John stood up again, and grabbed a napkin from the picnic basket to sop up some blood. “this is just like when you... i mean she...” He stopped that train of thought before it made him too sad.

“Y3S YOU C4N C4LL M3 TH4T, 1T’S FR34K1NG 4DOR4BL3. ‘T33 Z33.’ 4ND Y3S, 1T W4S 4BSOLUT3LY M1SS1ON CR1T1C4L TH4T 1 DONK YOU 1N YOUR M4LL34BL3 HUM4N SKULL.”

“and why’s that?”

“TO M3SS W1TH YOU, OBV1OUSLY. NOW COM3 W1TH M3, 3GB3RT.” Terezi turned around and strutted off to somewhere more private. She looked back to say, “YOU COM1NG, N3RD? OR DO 1 H4V3 TO BONK YOU 4G41N? >:]”

John grabbed a couple more napkins and ran after her. “i’m coming, geez. you probably gave me a bloody nose on purpose just so you could get off on the smell or something.” He gestured at her alien nose (although, in fairness, it was mostly the same as a human nose). “isn’t the color red like crack for you or something?”

“1’M NOT GO1NG TO D1GN1FY TH4T W1TH 4 R3SPONS3, 3GB3RT. HOW 1NS3NS1T1V3 OF YOU TO M4K3 FUN OF 4 BL1ND G1RL.” Terezi stopped walking and leaned against a tree some ways away from Roxy and Calliope.

“oh yeah, the last time i did something so rude, you said you would slit my throat and, like, smell me bleed and taste me die or something. is that what’s going to happen now?”

Terezi’s normally coy expression darkened for a moment as he said that. That’s the problem with having multiple lifetimes’ worth of trauma, way more things can be triggering to hear than if you only had one. Then the moment passed and she went back to her classic know-it-all demeanor. “NO, 3GB3RT. 1’M H3R3 TO H3LP YOU, B3L13V3 1T OR NOT. 1’V3 GOTT4 S4V3 YOUR L1F3.” From her pocket, Terezi took a small coin. Troll Caegar’s face on one side, the same face but with a scratch over the eye on the other. “H34DS OR T41LS, 3GB3RT?”

John recognized the coin. He’d never seen it up close before, and it was probably an alchemized replacement, not the original, but he knew from Dave about that thing she totally copied from troll twoface or something and how she used it to kill him once, but also maybe to make a doomed Dave god tier. “wait, what are you flipping for? you can’t just say H43DS OR T41LS like a know-it-all without telling me what the flip even means.” John lunged forward and snatched the coin from Terezi’s hand in a surprisingly ballsy move, at least for him. “i don’t know, maybe i’ll flip it myself and have you choose or something. or, you can just stop being a coy ass about everything and just tell me what’s going on?”

Terezi held out her hand, palm up, and “looked” at John expectantly. “JOHN, 1’M TRY1NG TO S4V3 4T L34ST ON3 OF YOUR L1V3S.”

He sighed and handed her the coin, then sat down cross-legged beneath the tree. “before i call the flip, please tell me what this is all about.” He patted the spot next to him, inviting her to sit. “preferably _without_ head butting me again.”

“TH3 4DOR4BL3 L1TTL3 P1CN1C YOU W3R3 JO1N1NG 1N ON W4SN’T JUST 4 CH4NC3 TO C4TCH UP W1TH YOUR 3STR4NG3D 4DOL3SC3NT CRUSH. 1T W4S 4CTU4LLY 4 RUS3 TO FORC3 YOU 1NTO 4 SUPPOS3DLY UN1MPORT4NT D3C1S1ON 1NT4NG1BLY CONN3CT3D TO 4 MUCH L4RG3R 1SSU3 OF 3X1ST3NT1AL R3L3V4NC3.” Terezi paused to catch her breath and get a whiff of John’s utterly confused expression.

“okay that’s really nice terezi, but what does all of that mean? are you going to be as long winded as whatever rose said earlier today? man, you can both go on and on.” He stuck his tongue out at the troll.

“3GB3RT, PL34S3 DON’T B3 4 B1TCH. SH3’S UNW3LL, R3M3MB3R?” She elbowed him playfully, forgetting how strong she was and how wimpy he was. That would probably bruise. “1’M T4LK1NG 4BOUT TH3 FOOD. TH3 M34T 4ND TH3 C4NDY W3R3 BOTH SOM3 SORT OF JUJUS C4LL1OP3 M4D3 31TH3R THROUGH CH3RUB POW3RS OR MUS3 POW3RS. BY 34TING TH3 M34T, YOU WOULD F33L MYS3R1OUSLY 3MPOW3R3D TO DO B1G 1MPORT4NT TH1NGS. TH3N YOU’D GO ON TO F1GHT LORD 3NGL1SH 4ND D13, L34V1NG YOUR PR3C1OUS 34RTH C TO B3 OV3RT4K3N BY 4 HOST1L3 4G3NT.”

John grimaced. “yeah that sounds pretty bad. so you’re saying i should eat the candy instead?”

“C4NDY WOULD 4RGU4BLY B3 JUST 4S B4D. 1T WOULD H4V3 FORC3D YOU DOWN 4 P4TH OF 1RR3L3V4NT 4P4THY, 4ND YOU WOULD H4VE ST4Y3D. BUT S1NC3 YOU N3V3R K1LL3D 3NGL1SH, TH3 WHOL3 T1M3L1N3 WOULD SHR1V3L 1NTO 4 NON C4NON ST4T3 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG WOULD JUST GO PR3TTY MUCH OFF TH3 R41LS. 1’V3 S33N TH3S3 CONS3QU3NC3S 1N MY M1ND’S 3Y3.”

“so earth goes to shit either way? that’s... really depressing.” John looked down dejectedly. “you’re here to fix that, right? you’ll flip the coin and do a mindy thing and then it all ends up okay?”

Terezi smiled. “MOR3 OR L3SS. 1 STOPP3D BOTH 1N TH3 SHORT T3RM BY 34T1NG BOTH B3FOR3 YOU COULD, 4ND NOW 1’M GO1NG TO US3 4 TR1CK 1 US3D ONC3 W1TH D4V3. YOU ONC3 TOLD M3 TH4T YOUR R3TCON 4B1L1TY 1S B3TT3R B3C4US3 1T CH4NG3S TH1NGS W1THOUT TH3 N33D FOR ST4BL3 LOOPS 4ND TH3 R1SK OF UNST4BL3 LOOPS, BUT TH3R3 AR3 C3RT41N B3N3F1TS TO TH4T SOM3T1M3S. 1N OUR S3SS1ON, W3 G4M3D TH3 H3LL OUT OF 1T BY H4V1NG DOOM3D T1M3 PL4Y3RS DO 4LL OUR D1RTY WORK B3FOR3 DOUBL1NG 4S 4 ROBOT 4RMY. W1TH D4V3, 1 G4M3D 1T SO TH4T TH3R3 W3R3 TWO OF H1M, FROM TWO 4DJ4C3NT T1M3L1N3S, 1N ON3 PL4C3. TH3N 31TH3R H3 K1LLS K1W1 D4V3, WHO B3COM3S 4LPH4 BY 4SC3ND1NG TO GOD T13R, OR H3 DO3SN’T 4ND K1W1 D13S UNC3R1MON1OUSLY >:[”

John stopped her at this point. “wait, you killed an alternate dave too? what kind of crazy murder-babe are you?”

“MURD3RB4B3?”

John blushed, a deep red that Terezi could definitely smell on him, and stumbled over the next few words, “b-by which i mean like, uh, murder- _lady_. murder- _troll_. the part about you being crazy is what’s important.” He reached up and touched his face. Yep, still blushing. Clearly he’d have to deliver a scalding burn to get her back. “also, did you just say GR34T3R TH4N COLON BR4CK3T out loud?” Yep, burn.

“Y34H, L1K3 MY CUT3 L1TTL3 TROLL F4C3 W1TH TH3 HORNS/3Y3BROWS, 4ND 1T’S FROWN1NG. 1T’S NOT MY F4ULT 1 C4N’T TYP3 1T OUT FOR YOU.” She frowned, letting her longest, sharpest upper teeth poke out. John hated to admit it, but it was a really cute face. “S33, L1K3 TH4T. TH3 PO1NT 1S, WH3N 1 FL1P TH1S CO1N 4ND YOU C4LL 1T 1N TH3 41R 1T W1LL B1FURC4T3 TH3 T1M3L1N3, BUT NOT 1N TH3 TYP1C4L W4Y. OUT 1N TH3 FURTH3ST R1NG T1M3L1N3S SORT OF BLUR TOG3TH3R. S1NC3 TH4T’S WH3R3 OUR DOOM3D JOHNNY W1NDSOCK W1LL B3 H34D3D, H1S P3RSON4L T1M3L1N3 W1LL WORK 1TS3LF OUT 3V3N THOUGH H3’S NOT TH3 4LPH4 3GB3RT 4NYMOR3. 4LL TH4T TO S4Y, 4 V3RS1ON OF YOU W1LL G3T TO ST4Y H3R3 4ND GROW UP 4ND B3COM3 UNCOMFORT4BLY HOT W1THOUT DOOM1NG TH3 WHOL3 CONT1NU1TY TO 1RR3L3V4NC3. M34NWH1L3, 1’LL T4K3 C4R3 OF TH3 HOST1L3 4G3NT 1 M3NT1ON3D.”

“okay terezi, that all sounds really great. just promise me one thing, okay?”

Terezi raised an eyebrow quizzically. “WH4T?”

“once this is over, can i never need to worry about time lines again?”

Terezi smirked and held out the coin again. “JUST C3LL TH3 D4MN FL1P.” She tossed it up in the Heir, and reality held its Breath.

\---

Roxy and Calliope stared as Terezi came back. John was still over by the other tree, trying to wrap his mind around everything he’d just been told, and the consequences of the flip. It would take him a while to get out of his head. The human and the cherub continued to stare as Terezi plopped down on the blanket, as though she was still enjoying a picnic with two ladies she hardly knew, and she hadn’t just fucked the timeline harder than a troll when the imperial drone comes knocking. She looked to Roxy expectantly.

And Roxy was having none of it. “hey tz, what the hell just happened?”

“M1ST3R 3GB3RT H4S D3C1D3D TO ST4Y, TH4NKS TO MY 3XP3RT (BUGG1NG 4ND FUSS1NG 4ND) M3DDL1NG. ROX, COULD YOU DO TH3 VO1DY TH1NG R34LLY QU1CK 4ND M4K3 4 PUMPK1N? H3’S BOUND TO B3 HUNGRY 4ND TH3R3’S NO FOOD FOR SOM3 R34SON.”

Roxy’s expression lightened instantly. “r... rly? hes staying?”

“Y43H R34LLY. BUT B3 CAR3FUL, ONC3 H3 GROWS 4 MUST4CH3 1T’S OV3R FOR US 4LL.”

Tears welled up in Roxy’s eyes, and Callie looked down in disappointment. She cared about John, she really did, but she knew that if Roxy had a chance to choose between a weird green skull and actual human lips, it wasn’t really any competition at all. This would be a timeline where she would go smoochless. The only person in the world who would want to kiss a bony green weirdo is Cameron Diaz’s character in The Mask (hollywood smash starring Jim Carrey). “that’s really great, roxy. i’m happy yoU two can catch Up again.”

Roxy jumped up, tackling Terezi in a massive hug. It was warm and intimate, more the kind of hug you’d give an old friend than someone you barely know. But that’s how most people would think about it. Roxy, on the other hand, was the kind to think the goodness of a person is more important than how long you’ve known them. After all, her actual oldest friend was lowkey shaping up into a xenophobic capitalist bastard. After a moment of surprise, Terezi hugged back. “tz, thank you so much. im cryign, for real.” She was, in fact, cryign [sic] for real. “is there any way i can make it up to u?”

“Y3S TH3R3 1S, 4CTU4LLY. T3LL M3 WH3R3 D1RK STR1D3R L1V3S.” Terezi’s smile soured. “1’M GONN4 H4V3 TO P4Y H1M 4 V1S1T.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess John's been saved, at the low low price of some adjacent John dying alone because Terezi's not in the furthest ring in this timeline. Or something like that. But let's be honest, you're not here for the timeline management. You're here begging, screaming at me, "when do Terezi and Roxy kiss, woman??"  
> They will, all in due time. In the meantime, why don't you leave a comment? I'd love to hear what y'all think of it so far, and what you want to see next.  
> Thanks for reading, tune in next week when we see what Terezi wants with Dirk. (Justice. It's justice.)


	3. The trial of Dirk Strider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which one or more people get what they deserve, probably.

Terezi didn’t knock or ring the doorbell. No, she found it perfectly acceptable to waltz right in through Dirk’s front door unannounced and uninvited. That’s certainly the treatment he would have gotten were he a criminal on Alternia. The way of the legislacerator was to walk in, carry out the sentence, and maybe wonder afterwards if the suspect was actually guilty. Traditionally that last step would be glossed over in favor of starting the next “trial” as soon as possible. Terezi had to admit that, yes, it was a very brutal and inefficient system, but tonight it would be the system she used.

Inside the house, it was dark and quiet. Some moonlight filtered in through an open window and very faint mechanical hammering could be heard from the basement, but for the most part it was a tranquil scene. Following the noises to their source, Terezi found a workshop filled with mangled metal bits and unfinished circuitry. Standing in the middle, hunched over a table with a robot laid out on it, was the man himself, Prince of Heart, Dirk fucking Strider. It didn’t look like he was building anything though. If anything, he was actively destroying the robot with each progressive strike of the hammer. It was hard to recognize at this point, but it looked almost like... a metal Rose Lalonde? Terezi decided not to dwell on the deeper meaning of this, whatever it may have been.

Instead she elected to silently draw her sword. It made no noise, obviously. As I’m sure we all know, any blade worth its salt is perfectly quiet coming out of its sheath. This is common knowledge and frankly it disgusts me that you (the reader) imagined it going “shing” when she drew it. Learn a thing or two about swords before you continue reading this, please.

After spending a few hours reading the entire Wikipedia page on swords, start to finish, you feel much more intelligent and well-adjusted. Aren’t you glad I completely derailed my own story for the sake of your education? You don’t have to thank me. Finally, with a heart full of gratitude, you read as the actual story comes back.

Terezi drew her sword and pressed it into Dirk’s back. Not hard enough to puncture skin or even cut through his clothes, but enough for Dirk to know there was definitely a murderbabe behind him and she could definitely impale him at the first sign of resistance. “D1RK STR1D3R, YOU H4V3 B33N FOUND GU1LTY. 4S TH3 L4ST L3G1SL4C3R4TOR, 1T 1S MY SWORN DUTY TO C4RRY OUT YOUR S3NT3NC3.”

Calmly as ever, Dirk put down his tools and turned around slowly. “Oh, it’s you. The leetspeaking one.” He crossed his arms, ignoring the blade still pointed at his chest. “If I may ask, miss Pyrope, what exactly is it that I’ve been found guilty of?”

“YOUR CR1M3S 4R3 NUM3ROUS 4ND UNCONSC1ON4BL3, 1NCLUD1NG M4L1C1OUS CONTROL OV3R 4CT1ON, W1LL, SOUL, 4ND TH3 PR3S1D1NG N4RR4T1V3 TH3R3OF, NONCONS3NTU4L CONV3RS1ON OF 4NOTH3R 1NTO TH31R ULT1M4T3 S3LF, K1DN4PP1NG, 1ND1R3CT MURD3R, 4ND SUSP3CT3D G3RRYM4ND3R1NG. YOU’V3 D1SPL4Y3D D4NG3ROUS L3V3LS OF M3G4LOV4N14 - 1 M34N M3G4LOM4N14 - TH4T CL34RLY 1ND1C4T3 1NT3NT OF CONT1NU3D WRONGDO1NG, 4ND OV3R4LL YOU’R3 4 M4SS1V3 PR1CK. BUT WORST OF 4LL,” Terezi tightened her grip on her cane as tears pooled in her eyes. Good thing she was wearing glasses. “HOW *D4R3* YOU MAK3 M3 GIV3 4 FUCK 4BOUT JOHN *FUCK1NG* 3GB3RT!” 

“Okay, ignoring for the moment the fact that there aren’t even laws for half of those...” Dirk smirked, as Striders are known to do. “I haven’t done any of that. Different timeline, bro. Except the gerrymandering, I guess. Been mandering the FUCK out of Gerry. Districts like an ouroboros up in here. But the rest of it? Nope.”

Her moment of sadness passed and it was replaced with rage. She pressed the sword into Dirk just a _little_ harder, eliciting a tiny trickle of blood down his chest in return for his insolence. “YOU M34N YOU H4V3N’T DON3 4NY OF 1T Y3T. TH3 P1CN1C W4S 34RL13R TOD4Y SO YOU H4V3N’T GOTT3N 4ROUND TO 4SSUM1NG CONTROL OF TH3 N4RR4T1V3 R1GHT 4W4Y. 1 KNOW HOW T1M3 WORKS, PR1NC3. TH3 PO1NT OF TH1S TR14L 1S 4 PR3V3NT4T1V3 M34SUR3, NOT 4 P3N4L ON3.”

Dirk rolled his eyes, not that Terezi could see it through his shades. In fact, he probably only rolled his eyes ironically for that very reason. “That’s not what I’m saying here. I mean I’m not going to overtake the narrative at all this time. There’s already a me out there doing his thing, and this timeline isn’t exactly the best for me to try and take over. Between John with his overpowered retcon bs and you with your mind abilities, I don’t see it going well for anyone.” He shrugged. “Maybe I’ll actually, I dunno, take it easy this time. After Jade met that bitch cherub all those years ago, her advice was to just live. I’ll probably do that. Either way, you’ve got no case here.”

“BULL. SH1T. TH4T 1S 4BSOLUT3 HOOFB34ST L34V1NGS 4ND YOU KNOW 1T.” She pushed the sword in harder, this time with the actual intent to wound. It slipped between two ribs and probably hit one or more of his vital organs. “1 SHOULD K1LL YOU WH3R3 YOU ST4ND, BUT UNL1K3 ON 4LT3RN14 YOU G3T 4 ‘R1GHT TO DU3 PROC3SS’ OR WH4T3V3R.”

Dirk winced in pain. He could be aloof as much as he wanted, but he would be lying to say it didn’t hurt like nobody’s business. At least all those times he was decapitated it would be relatively quick and painless. This, though? This was meant to hurt. “You seriously don’t believe me? Fuck it, convincing you isn’t worth it.” He coughed up some blood on Terezi. “Whoever keeps all those god tier judgement clocks should be busting mine out around now, I guess.”

Terezi’s blood boiled at that. “DO YOU TH1NK TH1S 1S 4 GOGD4MN JOK3? YOU'RE N3UROT1C!" She pulled her sword back out and shoved him into his work table, not even trying to hide her bloodlust as she glared at him.

"Listen, I don't pretend to understand all the nuanced social cues involved in how your idiotic alien hatefucking works, but I know enough to say you're coming on pretty strong, Pyrope." He paused to catch his breath, which was hard to do with a hole in one lung. "Besides, isn't it John you're supposed to pseudo-sexually beat the crap out of?"

Terezi cut off Dirk's head.

 

A minute passed. Terezi calmed down a little, slowed her breathing, and looked around to assess the situation. There was Dirk’s body, still bleeding out onto the ground. On the table was his head, still wearing those stupid fucking glasses. Oh god, he was right, wasn’t he? Terezi was definitely catching herself feeling those powerful hatevibes she hadn’t felt since maybe Gamzee. She made a mental note to find an auspistice if Dirk came back.

On the other hand, it wasn’t like she had decapitated him out of some uncontrollable rage from his comments on her loathe life. No, it was actually a very calculated move she had planned on making from the start, and she had just been waiting for the most dramatic moment to pull it. Dirk was god tier, so if he really didn’t plan on being evil this time, he wouldn’t be dead for much longer. If he was lying, though, his death would be just and stay that way. It was also a built in justification for the murder she’d just pulled. Just say he’d be alive if he didn’t deserve it and boom, she's absolved. To be honest, having an immortal guilty party really streamlined the legislaceration process.

Another minute passed, still no rainbow flames resurrecting him. Which was only to be expected, those clocks can stay ticking for a pretty long time sometimes. To pass the time, Terezi asked aloud, “1 WOND3R WH4T 3GB3RT 1S UP TO.”

\---

“so uh. what’ve you been up to lately?” John looked up awkwardly at Roxy. They’d both been super excited to go somewhere and catch up, but now that they were doing the catching up it wasn’t very easy. It’s hard to carry a conversation with someone you’ve barely spoken to in years, no matter how well you used to know each other. And they hadn’t really known each other all that well before, either. They were seventeen, maybe eighteen, when John just stopped going out and doing things. He fell out of regular contact with everyone, and he didn’t even think about his feelings for Roxy again for five years. Not until just that morning, when all those feelings came flooding back. Suffice it to say, John was a disaster at this.

“oh u know. hangin with callie, just kinda chillin in general. idk. you?” Roxy fiddled with her hands. Why was this so _difficult_? Back when they met for the first time, they hit it off instantly. She knew she used to like him a lot. Like, in a cheesy soulmate way. And maybe she still did? She just couldn’t tell anymore. He definitely liked her too, back then. Probably still, judging by the way he’d been looking at her that morning. But now everything was awkward silences and meaningful glances neither one noticed. Suffice it to say, Roxy was a disaster at this.

“um. i watched con air again yesterday. i haven’t seen that movie in like. a year.” Was that a boring answer? John thought so.

“was it any good? ” Was that a boring follow up question? Roxy thought so.

“eh. not really.” John silently begged the powers that be to interrupt this conversation with anything. Literally anything would be better than this.

“hold up i just got a text from dirk.” Oh good, the conversation was being interrupted with something. Literally anything would be better than this.

TT: Terezi just kicked my ass.  
TT: That’s really all there is to say on the matter.

“what the fuck?”

“what?”

Roxy got another text, an image of Terezi leaving Dirk’s workshop. Her sword was covered in his blood and she was flipping him the bird.

“john, i think terezi might have just killed dirk?” John gasped, but Roxy shooshed him. “dont worry, it looks like he got better.”

John hated his logic, but in the moment he was mostly glad that there was something to talk about. Sure, poor Dirk and all that. But also, this conversation was absolutely _dying_ for a change in pace. Yikes, bad phrasing. “hold up, i think i just got a snap from terezi.”

It was a picture of Dirk’s headless torso, captioned “JUST K1CK3D D1RK’S 4SS” and a second picture of Dirk, alive again, captioned “TH4T’S R34LLY 4LL TH3R3 1S TO S4Y ON TH3 M4TT3R”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess the timeline is fixed now? The actual conflict of the fic is over now, pretty much, but that's not what's important. What's important is that despite that terrible first date, the potential for love is in the air. Any moment now, the smooches will start flying and we'll never look back to the dark ages when I pretended to be in any way a legitimate author and not a lonely lesbian who lives vicariously through fictional characters.
> 
> Shit where was I? Oh yeah. Leave a comment if you feel so inclined, and I'll see y'all next week for some Rosemary.


	4. Candidate Vantas (or: how I learned to stop worrying and love my wife)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two young men kindle the flame of revolution, while two young women rekindle the flame of their marriage.

Karkat was mildly pissed. “DAVE DID YOU HEAR THE MOST RECENT DEVELOPMENT OF LOCAL BULLSHIT?” Then again, when was Karkat ever _not_ pissed at something?

“oh cool, you finally heard. jane crocker, local god and lowkey fascist, running for president for earth c.” Dave hung his head, as though he was ashamed of his entire species for producing someone like her. “i shudder just imagining what this is gonna do to the economy.”

The two bros (in a totally platonic sense, absolutely, trust me on this, just friends) were sitting on the couch together in Karkat’s darkened hive while some Jake English Production played on the TV. One of those shows that was really just a thinly-veiled excuse to have that sweet sweet English ass jutting out all impudent on live television. Karkat turned off the show so he could focus on what he’d just been told.

“OKAY FIRST OF ALL WHAT THE FUCK IN REGARDS TO THAT” Karkat stopped for a minute to process what he had just heard, an uncanny beat of the conversation where he seemed far-away and contemplative instead of on the brink of an aggravation sponge aneurysm. Then the moment passed and he got back to being mildly pissed because, again, when was he ever not? “NO, I’M TALKING ABOUT THIS.”

Karkat held up a newspaper for Dave to inspect. The front page headline boldly proclaimed, “Dirk Strider, of the Creator Gods, Killed By Fellow Creator (don’t worry he got better).”

“gimme that shit.” Dave snatched away the paper and read through it quickly. Apparently Dirk chose not to press charges against... Terezi? “bro what the fuck. terezi is back?”

“oh no, terezi?” Dave and Karkat both jumped. Shit, they forgot who else was here. Jade smiled deviously at them. “should i be jealous of my old romantic rival?” She strutted over to the two boys in a manner she was pretty sure was seductive. In practice, though, it was just sort of awkward for everyone involved. “you know id like my boys all to myself ;B”

Karkat got all up into a huff. Okay, he was already generally in a huff. He got all up into _more_ of a huff. “FIRST OF FUCKING ALL...” He grasped for words but was having no luck on that front. “FIRST OF ALL, TEREZI HAS NEVER BEEN A RIVAL OF YOURS IN ANY WAY AND I’M SURE SHE WOULD FIND THAT EXTREMELY PRESUMPTUOUS ON YOUR PART” Yep, she’d gotten to him alright. “SECOND, WE ARE SO TOTALLY NOT ‘YOUR BOYS’ AND IT’S MAKING ME FEEL A LITTLE BIT STUPIDER JUST VICARIOUSLY THAT YOU WOULD THINK SOMETHING AS IDIOTIC AS THAT.” Was he... blushing? Karkat was definitely blushing, hard. He’d have to think of a great burn to get the heat off of himself. “THIRD OF ALL, DID YOU JUST SAY semicolon capital b OUT LOUD?” Yep, burn.

Dave swiveled his hands at the wrists, as though he was spinning back two records. It was a weird little habit he’d picked up over the years that he’d do whenever a conversation went somewhere he didn’t like. Karkat and Jade both thought to themselves that he was totally about to pretend that little bit of the conversation hadn’t happened. “so why do you think she did it?” Like clockwork. “terezi, i mean. last i checked shed never ever spoken to him. also last i checked she wasnt even in this universe.” Then he sat upright, as if he’d been struck by a sudden bolt of truth. “maybe its a killing hitler situation, where shes trying to stop dirk from getting jane elected. like, she knows whats up and is here to save the economy.” Four eyes rolled in unison at him. “no, like, im serious, shes telling us he and jane need to be stopped. that WE need to stop them! we need to run a counter-campaign!”

Karkat snorted in contempt. “FUCK, YEAH, WHEN I THINK ELECTABLE I THINK DAVE STRIDER” He gestured at Dave’s whole... _thing_ he had going. “I DON’T THINK EVEN YOU WOULD VOTE FOR YOU”

“youre right, i totally wouldnt.” Dave scooched closer to Karkat on the couch. “but you know who i would vote for?”

“WHAT, HARLEY OVER HERE? MAYBE YOU’RE ON TO SOMETHING. SHE COULD GET ALL THE PEOPLE SHE WHORES HERSELF OUT TO TO VOTE FOR HER.”

“oh fuck you karkat!” Jade punched Karkat on the shoulder. It was a playful slug, sure, but hard enough it was clear she would _hurt_ him if he talked about her that way again. “besides, hes obviously talking about you, dumbass.”

“WHAT. NO. WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE ELECT ME PRESIDENT?”

“yeah, its not like your whole species has been criminally underrepresented in the political world for millennia. it totally isnt like they would vote fucking unanimously for the first troll candidate in centuries. theyre probably all dying to elect a xenophobic capitalist whose company is literally named after the lady who opressed their ancestors for almost all of their history. seriously, that would be like if i owned a monoplistic company called napoleon industries or atilla the hun, llc. or julius caeser ventures or...”

“WE GET IT, DAVE. YOUR WIT IS AS CEASELESS AS EVER.” Karkat sighed. “I JUST DON’T THINK I’M MEANT TO BE A LEADER. SURE, IT USED TO BE MY WHOLE THING THAT I WAS AMBITIOUS AND DOUCHEY, BUT NOW I’M ONLY ONE OF THOSE THINGS. I’M NOT CHARMING ENOUGH TO WIN A SINGLE DEBATE WITH JOHN’S HOT MOM, LET ALONE AN ENTIRE ELECTION.” He picked up the remote and turned on the TV again, hoping the conversation could just end there.

“but it wont just be you, bro. ill be there helping you every step of the way. i bet rose and kanaya would be all hells of on board, too. we can do this, because...” He trailed off and gaped at the show playing. “what the fuck is dirk on tv right now? wasnt he just killed like less than a day ago?” Sure enough, Dirk was having one of his trademark rap battle/fisticuff hoedowns with Jake as if nothing had happened the night before. “listen, i love him and hes my bro and all that but seriously what the hell is he doing?”

“STRUGGLING NOT TO STARE AT JAKE’S ASS.”

“avoiding thinking too hard about his traumatic experiences.”

“sending us a message.” Dave’s friends stared at him. “hes telling us that hes not taking shit too seriously right now and we could totally swoosh on in there and win the election.”

“I’M NOT RUNNING, I TOLD YOU.”

“if you won’t do it for yourself, and you won’t do it for the trolls, then... do it for me?” Dave suddenly realized how gay it was to say that to his (incredibly platonic) brofriend. Shit, even the word brofriend sounded really gay. Time to lighten the mood with a hilarious Dave Quip. “or do it for obama.”

“WHAT THE FUCK DOES OBAMA HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING.”

Okay, they’re gonna be at this for a while. I’ll tell you now that Karkat eventually agrees to run, just like he and Dave both knew he would from the start. How about we check in on Rose and Kanaya? I think Rose is gonna wake up soon, we wouldn’t want to miss that.

\---

Rose Lalonde died on April 13th at 11:38 PM. She was 23 years old. Don’t worry, she got better.

When she collapsed in front of the toilet that night, she hadn’t been doing anything in particular that would make her death heroic or just. No, when Kanaya walked in and found her wife’s body without a pulse it was just sad and meaningless. Even though she was pretty sure the death wouldn’t stick, she screamed when she saw the scene laid out before her and barely stifled sobs as she called an ambulance. Sure enough, Rose’s body was engulfed in rainbow flames and she began breathing again before it even arrived. The paramedics assured Kanaya that Rose would be alright, though it might take a while, and they would let her know as soon as she showed signs of waking.

It may interest you to know that Rose died at the exact same time that Dirk was beheaded. This was no coincidence. He hadn’t exactly stopped his influence over her, so the sudden cease of his transmission was probably the final straw to tip the fragile equilibrium of her life. He also came back just before she did, so she wasn’t lucky enough to be freed from her illness when she was revived. It would be two days before she even opened her eyes.

“Rose?” Kanaya was holding her wife’s hand and sitting in a bedside chair. She could have sworn she saw her eyes flutter for a moment there. “Rose, Are You Rising Up At Last?”

“Kan... Kanaya?” Rose’s eyelids made one last valiant effort to open, and she was awake. “What happened?” Oof, she’d opened her eyes too quickly. This room was too well-lit even without a glowing rainbow drinker in it. “Is John okay? Am I alive? Are you mad at me?”

“The Answer To All Three Of Those Questions Would Be Yes.” Kanaya sighed. “John Is Perfectly Fine The Last I Heard, You Are In Fact Alive, And I Think You Will Agree I Am Perfectly Validated In My Crossness With You.” She turned to look her beloved wife dead in the eye. “Why Did You Not Inform Me Of The Severity Of Your Condition? I Should Have Been There For You. You Should Have Let Me Be There For You!”

“Kanaya, I’m... I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to be hurt by my pain. I should have known that being blocked out like that would hurt you too, but I mistakenly believed you would prefer to focus on your duty to the Mother Grub rather than the dramatics of an ailing young vixen.” She squeezed Kanaya’s hand. “How foolish of me.”

Kanaya couldn’t help but cry, something she normally only did when she was angry. Part of it was anger, sure, but it was mostly relief that got the waterworks flowing. “Darling, When Have You Ever Known Me Not To Take Interest In The Dramatics Of This Ailing Young Vixen? I Married Her, After All.” She gingerly kissed Rose’s hand before placing it back on the bed and turning to look out the window. “Weve Grown Apart, My Love. I Have Grown So Tired Of Worrying What Might Happen To You Without Me Even Knowing Anything Was Wrong In The First Place. Even Now I See You, Still Sick In Your Bed, And I Have Terrible Visions Of Losing You Forever.”

“Nothing will happen to me, Kanaya. I refuse to let it, if for no other reason than for your sake.” Rose let that promise hang in the air for a moment, so that the weight and meaning she placed upon it could truly be felt. “For _our_ sake.”

“And What If Things Go Wrong Again? What If We Grow Further Apart? What Will We Do?”

“Saying we’ve grown apart implies that there’s nothing we can do about it anymore, that we should resign ourselves to the death of our love. No, I believe we’ve merely drifted.” Rose smiled weakly. “This isn’t the first time we’ve encountered problems as a two, and if we truly will live forever I doubt it will be the last.” She tried to sit up to embrace her wife, but she still wasn’t quite strong enough for that. “But I don’t care if there’s trouble. Love is never perfect. It survives and thrives when it is flawed, when it is challenged. It is most beautiful in its imperfection. I know that we can work through this, dearest. I can work through anything if it is with you. I would not have anyone else.”

In that moment, Kanaya didn’t care about what had happened, or what might happen in the future. For now, all that mattered to her in all of Earth C was in front her. She scooped her arm under Rose’s torso and lifted her up to herself, holding her so tightly and repeating a vow out loud never to let go. They kissed for what felt like the first time in years, the first time and the millionth time. Rose began crying as well, and the two lovers sat there, faces covered in tears and snot and jade lipstick, a moment beautiful in its imperfection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasn't that sweet? I wouldn't dare break those two up for the angst.
> 
> Speaking of which, this was a pretty hard chapter to write. Both of these conversations have happened in at least one of the epiloges, so I had a tricky job to keep the parts I liked from those without making it the same damn scene. I think I did an alright job at that, but who knows?
> 
> As usual, comment if you'd like to and I'll see you next week with more of the A-plot!


	5. Weeks in the future, but not many

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three friends enjoy a concert together, but who's going to be the surprise act at the end?

In fact, only one week in the future.

John was woken up quite rudely by the sound of his phone buzzing. He wiped the drowsy out of his eyes and put on his glasses, then checked his phone. Terezi had sent him like a dozen texts while he was sleeping. What was she doing bothering him at... 3 in the afternoon. Okay, John thought, maybe it was time to fix his sleep cycle.

(sent @12:06)  
GC: 3GB3RT  
(sent @12:16)  
GC: 3GB3RT PL34S3 T3LL M3 YOU 4R3N’T ST1LL 4SL33P  
GC: J3GUS YOU R34LLY 4R3 4 WR3CK  
GC: 4LL P3OPL3 H4V3 B33N T3LL1NG M3 4BOUT YOU 1N TH3 W33K S1NC3 1 GOT B4CK 1S WH4T 4N 4SOC14L S4DS4CK YOU’V3 B3COM3  
GC: W3LL 1’M H4V1NG NON3 OF TH4T  
GC: 1’V3 D3C1D3D 1T’S MY B3GRUDG1NG DUTY TO G3T YOU OUT OF TH3 H1V3 4G41N  
GC: TH3R3’S 4 MUS1C F3ST1V4L 4T 4 1N TH3 C4R4P4C3 K1NGDOM 4ND YOU’R3 GO1NG  
GC: TH4T’S TH3 NUMB3R FOUR, NOT TH3 WORD “A”  
GC: SO YOU’D B3TT3R W4K3 UP 1N TH3 N3XT HOUR OR TWO  
GC: 1 P3RSON4LLY DON’T C4R3 MUCH FOR TH3 MUS1C4L STYL1NGS OF 4 BUNCH OF CH3SS DUD3S, BUT 1T S33M3D L1K3 YOUR K1ND OF TH1NG  
(sent @14:16)  
GC: D4MN 1F YOU SL33P THROUGH TH3 3NT1R3 DAY 1’LL N3V3R L3T YOU H34R TH3 3ND OF IT  
GC: TH1S 1S GONN4 B3 T34S1NG 4MMUN1T1ON 4G41NST YOU FOR MONTHS LOL  
(sent @ 15:14)  
GC: OK4Y 4T TH1S PO1NT 1’M 4LMOST WORR13D 4BOUT YOU  
EB: no, fuck, i’m awake.  
EB: gimme a sec.

John roused himself the rest of the way to consciousness and got dressed before he established a plan with Terezi. She was already there and getting lunch, he would show up at 4 once the music started. Roxy might also show up at some point, it was up in the air.

It was funny, sort of. Terezi had never really shown any interest in getting him out of bed or encouraging him to go outside and enjoy his life before. Something must have really changed her in her time out there. Or maybe this was just the setup for some prank she was pulling; that wasn’t out of the question. Either way she was right, he really did need to get out more. And Roxy would be there? He could definitely use another chance after such an awkward attempt at bonding last week. John wasn’t really the type to look a gift horse in the mouth, a trait Terezi had totally teased him for before.

John shaved, put on some deodorant, and stepped out the front door. Time to get a life.

\---

Say what you want about capracians being easily influenced and having kind of awful musical taste, but they sure as hell knew how to make some good grub. Literally, of course. Terezi sat alone in a local diner working away at some sort of meatloaf with insect legs. To pass time she watched all the chess people bustle around. Why had she even done that, inviting John to a concert? She found him dorky and annoying, why in the world would she want to spend even more time with him? She asked herself this, but honestly she already knew the answer. She just felt so pitiful having feelings like that. Better to ignore them, probably.

“hey tz.” Terezi jumped when she noticed Dave’s hot mom standing behind her. “oops, did i scare u? it’s not like i used voidy powers to sneak up on you or anything.” Roxy giggled and sat down across the table. “hows it been going, adjusting to being back?”

“W31RD, TO S4Y TH3 L34ST. FOR SOM3 R34SON 1 W4S 4RR3ST3D 4S SOON 4S 1 GOT B4CK. V3RY S4M3 N1GHT.”

“because you killed a guy!”

“OH COM3 ON, H3 GOT B3TT3R.” Terezi snickered. “SO S1NC3 TH3N 1’V3 B33N C4TCH1NG UP W1TH YOU N3RDS. D1D YOU H34R D4V3 4ND K4RK4T 4R3 GONN4 RUN FOR PR3S1D3NT? TH4T’LL B3 4 L4UGH. OR TH4T TH3 MOTH3R GRUB 1S G1V1NG B1RTH TO TH3 V3RY F1RST N4TUR4L BROOD N3XT MONTH? 4LMOST DO3SN’T F33L R34L 4FT3R 4LL TH1S T1M3.”

Roxy beamed at her friend. “thats incredible, terezi! kanaya must have been ecstatic about that.”

“SH3 R34LLY W4S. TH1NGS 4R3 LOOK1NG SO OPT1M1ST1C H3R3. 1 TH1NK W3 34RN3D TH4T 4FT3R 4LL THOS3 Y34RS OF BULLSH1T. SO WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG W1TH YOUR H4PPY 3ND1NG? YOU GOT 4 JOB OR 4NYTH1NG?”

“pshh, nah. i volunteer with the chess guys sometimes and ive done appearences on jakes dumb talk show but mostly im just chillaxin.”

“J4K3 H4S 4 T4LK SHOW, TOO? HOW F4R W1LL TH1S M4N 3MB3D H1MS3LF 1NTO 34RTH CULTUR3 B3FOR3 H3’S S4T3D?”

“lets see... he has rumble in da pumpkin patch, late night with english, mornings with jake, rematch in da pumpkin patch, afternoon gilly gaffy amongst the common folk with your host j. gishy gun mcgee, english and crocker bake together for an hour and try to ignore the more awkward parts of their personal history...”

“PL34S3 T3LL M3 TH4T L4ST ON3 1S F4K3.”

“the shows real, but its not called that. thought id give it a troll movie name.”

A waiter cycled by their table and asked if Roxy would like to order anything. While capracians technically could speak out loud, their voices were a bit too quiet for human ears to pick up on. Instead, they usually used gestures and context clues to nonverbally communicate whatever they had to. The waiter, a tall but stout black piece, tapped three times on the table, gestured at Roxy’s menu, and tapped his wrist impatiently.

“shit, yea, uhh...” Roxy flipped her menu open to a random and ordered the very first thing she saw. “could i get a can town bean special?”

The waiter snatched up the menu and scurried off to another table. The two ladies sat in silence for a minute, but it wasn’t an awkward one. More like a type of company that didn’t need words and conversation to keep it comfortable. Eventually Terezi broke the silence. “1 THOUGHT YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO B3 4 B1T L4T3. WH4T H4PP3N3D TO TH4T?”

“idk. i was hanging with callie before coming here and then i just thought to myself, roxy, you spend every day with callie. lets branch out a little.” She shrugged. “callie said she totally got that, so i came over here to see if i could catch you or john before the show.”

“COOL, COOL.”

Some more time passed, and then Roxy piped up. “so uh, how about them sports?”

“SPORTS?”

“oh yea, u know me. i sure love me some sports. when the big man hass the ball and he slam dunks that home run? thats my jam.”

Terezi smiled and decided to play along. “MY F4VOR1T3 P4RT 1S WH3N B1LLY SPORTSB4LL G3TS TH3 TOUCHDOWN 4ND W1NS TH3 WORLD CUP. GOOD STUFF.”

That went on for a while, and the two girls were cracking up by the time Roxy’s food arrived. She couldn’t wait to eat. That is, until she saw what the “special” really was. It was a single can of generic brand beans with a label that literally just said “BEANS.” The can wasn’t even open, it just came with a can opener.

“shit, i really should have seen this coming.” Not one to be ungrateful, Roxy cracked open the can and tried a spoonful. “oh god, it’s just room temperature black beans.” She wrinkled her nose and stuck out her tongue.

Terezi snorted a laugh and snatched the can from Roxy. “1’LL F1N1SH 1T 1F YOU DON’T W4NT 1T. YOU H4V3 NO 4PPR3C14T1ON FOR HOM3COOK3D FOOD.” Terezi got through one bite before giving up. “NO, YOU’R3 R1GHT. TH4T’S DOWNR1GHT 1N3D1BL3. L3T’S BLOW TH1S JO1NT.”

\---

John looked around at the crowd. The band was just about to start and there was no sign of Terezi or Roxy. He’d texted them both already, no response. Oh well, he could just enjoy it on his own. He bought some food from a vendor and waited for the music to start.

It was a weird variety of genres, all being played in obscure fusion. A pair of capracians kicked it off on accordian and what looked like some kind of symphonic mandolin, then heavy electronic beats came in to back up the strings. A young-looking boy stepped out and sang a dainty falsetto into a mic with very high gain, then a taller woman walked out the opposite side of the stage and attempted some kind of screamo. For a moment John thought wow, this sounds way better than you’d think it would on paper, but after a second he realized that was just charity. No, it sounded awful and discordant and he kind of hated it. He looked around again for either of his friends, but they were nowhere to be seen.

After trying his darndest for maybe half an hour to enjoy the music for what it was, John gave up and politely edged his way out of the crowd. He had just gotten out when he heard a familiar voice.

“TH3R3 YOU 4R3, 3GB3RT. W3 W3R3 WORR13D YOU’D B41L3D ON US!” Terezi ran over to John and shoved him playfully. “DON’T T3LL M3 YOU’R3 L34V1NG B3FOR3 TH3 H34DL1N3RS 3V3N COM3 OUT.”

“yeah man, that would be pretty lame of u.” Roxy shoved some cotton candy in John’s face. “this is where the partys at.”

“oh, this is just the opening act? is the main band a little more... traditional?”

“Y34H, 1’M SURPR1S3D TH3Y’R3 TRY1NG SOM3TH1NG SO 3XP3R1M3NT4L H3R3. TYP1C4LLY C4PR4C14NS GO PR3TTY V4N1LL4 W1TH TH31R STUFF.”

They listened for a while to the actual lyrics of the song. It was hard to make out the words over the electric mandocello, but phrases like “corporations aren’t your friends” and “let me marry a salamander” could be heard. It was almost as anti-establishment as it was painfully on-the-nose. The accordionist went ham for what felt like a 20-minute solo but was mercifully only ten minutes, and then the music stopped abruptly and everyone cleared the stage.

“yanno that actually grew on me.”

“yeah, but i think i could have done without the graphic description of capracian genitals and into which holes the government could shove them.”

“TH3 H3LL DO YOU M34N? TH4T W4S H4NDS DOWN TH3 B3ST P4RT! 1’M TOT4LLY GONN4 BUY TH3 4LBUM.”

The three friends kept chatting as the next band came on, playing a more typical brand of pop music. The group after them made a noble attempt at instrumental jazz but failed hard. Then came the banjo player, the generic edm, and the beta quartet. Beta quartets were a popular kind of group that featured piano, violin, beats of some sort, and either guitar or flute. It was a cool and new combination of instruments that hadn’t been done before back when the first band did it, but at this point it was practically all you heard when you turned on the radio.

“okay, i’m just about ready to go now.”

“cmon john, this is the second to last band. the big finish is gonna be up next!”

“fine. this had better be worth it.” John was acting all impatient, but honestly he was loving this. Not the music, hell no, but the company. Between Terezi’s teasing and Roxy’s air of calm and confidence, he was really enjoying himself. Why had he ever chosen to shut himself in, in the first place?

The quartet finished their last piece and left, and the finishing act waltzed out in front of the crowd: Dave Strider wearing a backwards baseball hat.

“the fuck is up, carapace kingdom? make some fucking noise!” He paused to take in the confused applause. Nobody probably saw this one coming. What they saw coming even less was his partner. Musical partner, that is, not romantic. Shit’s as platonic as a ten-sided die, bro.

“GET HYPED AND ALL THAT. CAN’T BELIEVE I LET HIM TALK ME INTO THIS.”

That’s right. Dave and Karkat came to rap, and they rap to win.

\---

Days in the past, but not many.

In fact, only one day in the past.

Terezi stood at the threshold of another Strider’s door. Not to do a murder this time, thankfully, but instead just to catch up with some pals. She rang the doorbell, demonstrating at least a little bit of matters, and Jade got the door.

“oh hey terezi. i didnt know you were visiting!”

“OH YOU KNOW, 1 W4S JUST 1N TOWN 4ND W4NT3D TO C4TCH UP W1TH D4V3. TH1S 1S H1S H1V3, R1GHT?”

“yeah, he lives here with karkat and me these days.” Jade winked at Terezi. “youre not too jealous, i hope.”

“H3LL NO. 1 SWOR3 OFF COOLK1D AND 4NG3R 1SSU3S SW33PS 4GO. TOO MUCH DR4M4, NOT TO M3NT1ON TH3Y’R3 OBV1OUSLY W4Y MOR3 1N LOV3 W1TH 34CH OTH3R TH4N TH3Y COULD 3V3R B3 W1TH 4NYON3 3LS3.” She met Jade with a pointed glare. “PR3TTY MUCH 3V3RYON3 C4N S33 TH4T.”

She walked through the foyer and down the hall until she reached what was probably a living room. Dave and Karkat were curled up on the couch watching a movie together, but Dave hit pause as soon as he saw his old friend.

“shit, terezi, is that really you?” He got up from the couch and acted like he was too cool for a hug.

“NO, 1’M G4MZ33 1N 4 CL3V3R D1SGU1S3.” Terezi took the initiative to hit Dave with a bro hug bump. “OF COURS3 1T’S R34LLY M3.”

“we thought you werent coming back.”

“WE WERE VERY SURE OF THAT.” Karkat gave Terezi an awkward kinda handshake thing. “I WAS WORRIED YOU WERE... THAT YOU’D BEEN HURT OR SOMETHING.”

“BOTH OF YOU? COM3 ON, 1 THOUGHT YOU’D H4V3 MOR3 F41TH 1N M3.” Terezi plopped down on the couch. “4ND 1F YOU W4NT M3 GON3 1T’LL B3 H4RD3R TH4N TH4T.”

“well its great to see you. for real.”

“SO WHY DID YOU COME SEE US?” Straight to the point, in classic Vantas form.

“1 W4S 1NFORM3D THROUGH TH3 W1N3FRU1T 4PP3ND4G3 TH4T YOU’R3 RUNN1NG FOR THE B1G S43T. PR3S1D3NT OF 34RTH C.”

“GODDAMNIT. WHO SQUEALED?”

Terezi wasn’t ready to open up about everything she’d seen in her other lives, especially not to these two. In fact, nobody knew she remembered _any_ other lives at all. It was too much madness to deal with, and she would hate to put that burden on anyone else. Either that, or she just didn’t trust anyone to he helpful if she told them. “DO3SN’T M4TT3R. 1’V3 GOTT4 KNOW, WH4T’S TH3 PL4N?”

“you think we have one of those? we barely decided to do this a week ago.”

“FUCKING EXCUSE ME, *YOU* DECIDED TO DO THIS A WEEK AGO.”

“and you agreed. eventually.”

“W3LL 1F YOU’R3 R34LLY S3R1OUS 4BOUT TH1S, YOU’D B3TT3R 4NNOUNC3 YOUR C4MP41GN SOON.”

“we were thinking about that. obviously the troll population will vote for karkat overwhelmingly no matter what, and the human demographic will be a bit less supportive. which leaves the consorts and capracians.”

“CONSORTS ARE A BUNCH OF IDIOTS WITH NO LONG-TERM MEMORY AND EVEN LESS OF AN ATTENTION SPAN, SO THEY’D BE A WASTE OF TIME TO PANDER TO.”

Dave sighed loudly. “bro, we talked about this. thats not the kind of blanket statement you should make about the biggest pool of voters on the planet.” They’d clearly had this same talk a dozen times in the past week.

“SO TH4T L34V3S TH3 C4PR4C14NS. TH3Y’R3 SUCK3RS FOR 4NYON3 WHO S33MS L1K3 4 R3VOLUT1ON4RY UND3RDOG, SO PL4Y TO TH4T. TH3R3’S 4 B1G MUS1C F3ST1V4L TOMORROW, YOU C4N US3 TH4T TO 4NNOUNC3 YOUR C4MP41GN 1N 4 B1G W4Y.”

“YOU WANT ME TO SING ABOUT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?”

Dave grinned ear to ear. He had just had a beautiful idea. “or something like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, time for a poll. Should I include an excerpt from the boys' political rap in the next chapter?
> 
> A) Yes.  
> B) Definitely.  
> C) ABSOLUTELY!
> 
> Next week I'll also give y'all some Johnroxy shipping fuel. The work of the noble multishipper never ends.
> 
> P.S. we're officially over 10,000 words. I wasn't sure if I'd keep with this for so long, but I guess I have.


	6. End of part 1, I guess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised, political rap. Then two traumatized humans finally open up.

Dave and Karkat were _really_ into this.

hey guys im dave im a killer mc  
but if you vote for my bro ill be a killer vp  
BY WHICH HE MEANS ME, NOT HIS ACTUAL BRO  
WE’RE BROS AS IN FRIENDS, I JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW  
(bro it isnt necessary to tell them that in the middle of our opening)  
(SHUT UP I HATE YOU)  
(just keep going)  
AS A FELLOW NON-HUMAN, I FEEL Y’ALL’S PAIN  
AND IT’LL ONLY GET WORSE UNDER XENOPHOBE JANE  
SHE’LL PIT YOU AND PULP YOU, TAKE ALL OF YOUR RIGHTS  
YOU’LL JUST BE THE LOSERS OF AN UNWINNABLE FIGHT  
and dont forget me, im running as well  
to keep you guys safe from economic hell  
yeah dirks a cool guy and a choicest of bros  
but he would do nothing but step on your toes  
THE IDEA OF THEM WINNING HAS GOT ME UNEASY  
while our rhymes are so ill you should call them disease-y

\---

It went on like that for some amount of time. Finally, after way too much political rap, Dave and Karkat signed off. Throughout their set they touched on the risk of electing a xenophobe, Dave’s plan for a stable post-scarcity economy, and how much sicker their bars were than those of their opponents. And somehow, the capracians _loved_ it. For a species that can hardly be heard speaking, they sure could make a ruckus as a crowd. They clapped as hard as they could and screamed their approval. At least a dozen bras were thrown onstage. Where did they get those; did capracians even have boobs? It’s not like they were mammals. John and his friends agreed to get out of there before people started rioting.

“so you knew that would happen, right?” John turned to Terezi. “you were planning that all along?”

“1 WON’T S4Y 1 H4D NOTH1NG TO DO W1TH 1T.” Terezi checked the time. It was nearly half past ten. “OK4Y YOU TWO, 1’M B34T. 1’M GONN4 GO HOM3 4ND G3T SOM3 B34UTY R3ST, DON’T H4V3 TOO MUCH FUN W1THOUT M3.”

Roxy called after Terezi as she left. “bye tz! dont be a stranger, k?”

John leaned against a wall and looked at Roxy nonchalantly. Or he was trying to be nonchalant, and not really succeeding. “so uh.”

“lets not get started with the ‘so uh’ thing again.” Roxy winked. “wanna get dinner?”

“shit, yeah, i don’t think i’ve eaten all day. Where to?”

“my place. i make some good grub, believe it or not.” Roxy grabbed John’s hand and jumped.

we have. lifdoff.

John flew alongside Roxy in the direction of her house. He couldn’t help but notice they were still holding hands. “ah, sorry...” Nervous, he pulled his hand out of hers and shoved it in his pocket. “it was, uh, nice seeing you today.”

Roxy smiled to herself. All those years and John still hadn’t changed. Cute. Fucking. Dork. “cmon john, thats what you say when youre about to leave. we still have a whole night ahead of us.” She put on a little burst of speed, leaving John in the dust.

“hey! you never said we were racing!” John laughed and chased after her.

This is it, John thought. This was what he’d been missing. While he remained uncertain if he still had feelings for Roxy, he was certain that this was enough for now. Listening to awful music, running (flying) around like kids again, and a home cooked meal at the end of the day. _Friendship_. 

“hey slowpoke, whatre u thinkin about over here?” Roxy had looped back around to him while he was stuck in his head again. “cmon, were almost home.” She took his hand again, smiling at him, and floated over to her front door.

John walked in after her and looked around. All the lights were off, but enough light was streaming in from outside that they could walk through without bumping into anything. They fumbled their way to the kitchen and Roxy hit the light switch. “nice, uh, kitchen.” John gestured at the appliances hanging on the walls and the granite countertops and whatever else makes a kitchen above average.

“yea i hardly use any of this stuff lol.” Roxy looked through a cabinet for a clean pot. “back when we were making our houses i figured i should make mine really nice since cost wouldnt be a thing. guess i thought id take up cooking sometime down the road.” She put some water on the stove to boil and dug through the pantry. “and i did, for a bit. i got really good at like a dozen foods and then i kinda lost steam and stopped learning more.” There, she found it. Instant ramen noodles. “what i learned is that sometimes things that are cheap... are better.” She dumped the noodles in, stirred the pot for a bit, cracked in two eggs, chopped up a leek or green onion or something, and waited as the noodles cooked. “not that you cant get fancy with it.”

“any way i can help, rox?”

“yea how about you set the table?” Roxy tasted the broth with a spoon and added some minced garlic. “all the dishes are in that cabinet.”

Soon the food was done, and it was beautiful. It looked like it was straight out of one of those aesthetic food blogs Dave followed “ironically.” And when John took a bite, it tasted just as good as it looked. John was hungry enough that honestly he’d eat pretty much anything edible, but this was some good fucking ramen.

“do you still think about it?”

John spoke with a mouthful of food, “think about what?”

“back then.” Roxy sighed. “we watched them all die.”

Oof. That was an abrupt change of mood. John pushed away his bowl so he could focus on his friend. “i mean, sometimes. but for me...” He thought about what he was going to say next. “for me i almost feel like i don’t count, if that makes sense? i didn’t have to see it happen in front of me, i just showed up in the aftermath and made it all go away.” He moved to a seat closer to Roxy. “i can’t even begin to imagine what it was like for you or terezi.” He took her hand and looked her in the eye. “but if you need someone to talk to... i’m here, i guess.”

“i guess ive been thinking about it more ever since she came back. tz. she saved us more than anyone else and she just died. and dirk...” Roxy tried not to cry. “hes still alive in that hellhole, isnt he? he was never killed so that must mean hes stuck for eternity as the last one left.” Roxy failed to not cry.

“roxy, i... do you need a hug?”

Roxy nodded, tears streaming down her face.

He leaned in and held her tightly. “i know it always sounds like bullshit to hear this, but it wasn’t your fault.” John recalled how he hadn’t even been there, hadn’t done a single thing to help until after it was all over. “i... don’t think it was anyone’s fault, honest. and you saved rose!”

“rose... i know that shes fine and everyones better but shit... ill never forget watching helplessly as she closed her eyes.” Roxy pulled away from John’s embrace. “ill never forget any of this. sometimes things just make me flash back to it. a certain sound or smell that reminds me of it and boom, reruns of the worst ten minutes of my life, over and over.”

“i’m no expert, really i’m not, but i don’t think the goal is to forget it. it’s more that we need to learn how to take these memories and make them a part of us, instead of a monster spinning around in our heads.” John had some more soup, this was all making him feel a little sick. “i think we have, like, TONS of trauma.”

“yeah, we should prolly both be seeing therapists about this.”

“in the meantime if there’s anything i can do for you.” John smiled, pushing out all the bad thoughts. “i’ll help however i can.”

“just... it might be nice if you stayed with me tonight. lets find a way to end the day on a lighter note.”

“have you ever seen the movie con air staring hollywood superstar nick cage?”

Roxy smirked. “i have a feeling im about to.”

The thing about Con Air that not many people know is that it’s a really bad movie. Many people _think_ it’s a bad movie, sure. Practically everyone does. But to truly _know_ the extent of its badness, you need to see it. Roxy went in expecting something wildly mediocre, and she was more than satisfied. Every bit of cheesy dialogue, each scene of overdone action, all the vaguely offensive stereotypes that tried to pass for characters, it all added up to an absolutely terrible movie.

Which is to say, Roxy kind of loved it. “is he about to tell the guy to put the bunny back in the box?”

Onscreen, Cameron Poe uttered his famous line, “Put the bunny back in the box,” and proceeded to impale Billy Bedlam on a broken pipe. “Why couldn’t you put the bunny back in the box?”

“fuck yeah!” John high-fived Roxy.

“wait, did he just kill another guy?”

“the rule in these things is it’s not illegal if it’s awesome.”

“el oh fuckin el.”

\---

Upstairs, Callie tried not to listen in on Roxy and John. Roxy was an independent woman who could make her own decisions, and she owed Callie nothing. This is what she knew would happen, so why did it hurt like this? As a species she simply wasn’t wired to feel love, but right then she could certainly feel heartbreak.

\---

Miles away and deep below the earth, Rose and Kanaya tended to the Mother Grub. Any day now. Any day and the true resurrection of trollkind would be complete. And both those young women knew that there was nobody they’d rather share that day with than each other. They would be young and beautiful and in love for probably forever.

\---

In the far-off troll kingdom, Dave and Karkat took a well needed nap. They’d been up the entire night before drafting a ten minute political rap and spent the entire morning rehearsing, so they were ready to do pretty much nothing for a day or two. They never would get that day or two, as the campaign would start for real the very next day, but for now they enjoyed their moment of repose.

\---

Downstairs from them, Jade slept on the couch. She loved those two dorks so much, it just wasn’t fair they didn’t love her back. She couldn’t stop thinking over and over about what Terezi had said. They love each other more than they’d ever love anyone else? Why? She had enough love in her for more than one person, so why couldn't they? Why couldn’t everyone?

\---

In the human kingdom, Jane and Dirk planned their next move. They were going to make her president, that was a given, but a troll opponent? One as influential as a god? This would take some careful planning. And sure, Dave was a cool guy and a choicest of bros, but Dirk would sooner lose his head again than lose this campaign.

\---

Wherever the hell she was living, Terezi scrolled aimlessly through her phone. Gog damn it, she didn’t want to have feelings for John Egbert. Why did he have to be such an adorably easy target to poke fun at and have fun with? Lousy goddamn stupid nerd. And what about Vriska? Terezi knew she was alive and well on another Earth C, so did that mean she could stop looking? After all that time, could she finally accept Vriska as gone?

\---

And back once again in the Carapace Kingdom, Roxy sat on the roof of her house. She liked to watch the empty streets at three in the morning, especially when she had a lot to think about. John was soundly asleep on the couch; he fell asleep during the climax of the movie. Just what would Roxy do with him? He was sweet and pretty cute and honestly she just wanted to go for it. But what if he didn’t feel that way for her anymore? Or what if she was just mixing up being vulnerable with someone and liking someone?

No, fuck it. Why waste time second guessing herself when she could be wasting time smooching a cute guy? Resolving to make a move the next time she saw John, Roxy got down from the roof and went to bed. For the first time in a while, she dreamed about the future instead of the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isn't that a sweet place to leave off? I sure hope so, because y'all are gonna have to wait an extra week for the next part. I'm going on vacation, but you can consider it a mini-pause in true Homestuck tradition. I will still be reading comments while I'm away, so let me know what you think of part one!
> 
> See you next week for nothing and the week after that for something.


	7. Be Jake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxy makes a move and Jade seeks advice. Jake is in this one too, I guess.

You decide for some reason to be Jake. You spend maybe a minute or two as him as he does nothing of any importance before wondering “hey, how come I’m wasting time as this loser? I want to see what’s up with Roxy or John or Terezi or honestly anyone who isn’t Jake. Also, wasn’t the story supposed to stop being in second person present tense as soon as that prologue was over? I waited a whole extra week for this and all I get is dumb old Jake English?” Jake, of course, isn’t directly cognizant of this monologue. He just feels a little bit more awful about himself for a while as you wonder all that and then probably has an awful rest of his day. How about before we get back to the real story, we take a moment to

###  >Be John.

Your name is John Egbert, and this will be the final day of your life. No, not the John having a good night’s sleep on Roxy’s couch. Also not the mustachioed dilf or the one who died in the middle of a love confession. No, you’re possibly the most tragic John of all. You’re going to die completely alone. You look around again, maybe somebody will show up. Maybe Terezi will come back for you.

It was, what, trillions of years ago? At least billions of years since you last saw her. You try to recall. It was a barbecue, right? No, a picnic. With Rose’s mom and the skull girl. You weren’t hungry at the time, so you didn’t eat anything. Then Terezi showed up and she rolled her signature eight-sided dice. Not dice. She flipped a coin. You lost the flip and you left Earth. You didn’t even stop for a bite to eat before leaving. Shit, you’re so hungry. And then you had an hour of searching, five minutes of fighting, and an eternity of waiting. One more fight after that: a million lives (and deaths) lost, one battle won. It all happened so fast after so much nothing. House, black hole, tooth, Davepeta, nothing.

Oh yeah, the tooth. The one still stuck in your chest. It’s not that you forgot it, exactly, just that you’ve grown accustomed to it over the week or two since the battle. Something in you knows that your life was over as soon as you were bitten. Cherub poison is nasty stuff, and that tooth has been pumping it into your bloodstream for far too long. You lost your retcon abilities almost immediately after being poisoned, and you’re not having any luck turning to wind either. You’re just too weak, too tired, too _hungry_. Maybe it’s about time you close your eyes. Time to sleep, John.

\---

“time to wake up, john.” Roxy prodded John. “its like. 1 in the afternoon.”

John squirmed on the couch and spoke without even opening his eyes. “bluh. five more minutes.” He rolled over and pulled the blanket over his head.

“dammit john how old are you?” Roxy ripped the blanket off of him, exposing him to the elements.

“fine i’m awake.” John rolled over in the other direction, toppling over the side of the couch and landing on Roxy’s feet. “happy?”

Roxy fondly regarded the floor boy. “very.” She sat down cross legged next to him and tousled his hair. “howd u sleep? i know this isnt the most comfy couch but ive only got one bed.”

John frowned. “awful. not because of the couch, i just kinda... had a bad dream.” He strained to remember. “i think? actually i can’t remember it anymore.” John perked up. “it’s not important. it was just a dream.”

It was not just a dream. Poor John, his class and aspect weren’t exactly made to access other lives. Memories would reach him for a moment and then blow away, much as the wind skims a cut reed, or say, a plundered picnic basket. His dreams were the note remembrance plays when its instrument is out of tune.

Roxy’s particular classpect was just as bad to that end. She spent so much of her life unconsciously casting a void around herself and her friends, and that same shroud applied itself to each and every life she lived. Not even she could see through it to her other selves. Both their lives were their own, and their only.

“hey, so, john. i was wonderin if you, uh...” Roxy blushed just a tiny bit. “...are hungry. im gonna make pancakes.”

“oh, sure. i like chocolate chips, if you have those.”

“john, we have an alchemixer. of course i have chocolate chips.”

“shit, you’re right.” John laughed. “sometimes i forget that it’s the future and we can invent anything we want with bullshit science-magic.”

“except pumpkins. still no clue how to alchemy those bad boys.”

John went to the bathroom while Roxy worked on breakfast. He splashed some water on his face, looked at his reflection in the eye, and gave himself a little mirror pep talk. “you can totally do this, man. it’s not like she’ll say no to hanging out, you already are! just go out there, have some pancakes, and say ‘hey roxy wanna go out sometime?’ totally not terrifying.” It was absolutely terrifying.

“hey john! theyre ready!”

John left the bathroom, sat down at the table, and had some pancakes. They were delicious, which was really no surprise, and he polished his plate instantly. Okay. Time to bite the bullet. John took a breath in to speak, and

“hey john, uh.” Wait, shit, he was about to say something. “sorry you go first.”

“no, you were already talking, finish whatever you were about to say.”

Roxy laughed nervously. “uh, no, it was nothing.”

“well it also happens that what i was going to say was, uh, also nothing.”

“oh.”

John was ready to leave it at that, but then he imagined what Terezi would say if she saw that play out in front of her. She would probably call him a little child who poops hard in his baby ass diaper or something like that, but in a way where she was encouraging him as well as giving him shit. And if imaginary Terezi had his back (more or less), he could do this.

He reached out to take Roxy’s hand, and by some coincidence she found that same confidence at the same moment, their hands meeting halfway. They laced fingers, by accident or by design, and John almost pulled back. But then he looked up and saw Roxy’s face, and she was beaming. He reached out his other hand to hold her cheek, and they both went in for it.

“oh! i’m sorry, am i interrUpting something?”

Oh. They forgot about Calliope.

\---

(sent @10:25)  
GG: hey rose!  
GG: you have a minute to talk? :B  
TT: Oh, hello Jade. To what do I owe the honor?  
GG: well if dave or karkat ask its because im asking if you and kanaya will support them in the race  
GG: but we both already know you would  
TT: I must admit that the thought of endorsing Miss Crocker has never crossed either of our minds.  
TT: In fact I just asked Kanaya her opinion of our favorite CEO, and she’s making what I imagine is a very rude gesture in troll culture.  
TT: I believe it’s meant to represent a bucket being shoved up a very loose rectum.  
GG: thanks for that image, rose  
GG: thank you so much.  
TT: So then, what’s the real reason you’re saying hello?  
GG: i guess i need advice  
GG: about dave  
TT: And you thought the best person to ask was me?  
TT: Frankly, I’m no expert in combat, philosophy, life, or love.  
GG: i know, but youre his sister  
GG: not to mention a wannabe psychologist  
GG: you must have some insight into the workings of dave strider  
TT: By which you mean you want to know why he isn’t in love with you.  
TT: I’ve never spoken to him on the matter, but I think I understand.  
GG: so what is it?  
TT: You’re not so wretched he could never love you, please don’t get that idea stuck in your head.  
TT: Let me put it this way.  
TT: Do you remember Davesprite?  
GG: yeah, of course!  
GG: he was like my first boyfriend and stuff  
TT: But tell me this, if he showed up on your doorstep one day and said he was in love with you, would you still have any feelings for him?  
TT: Or would you say the bonds you’ve formed since then are more meaningful than the mere fact that you liked him at some point?  
GG: im not asking about davesprite!  
GG: what the hell does he have to do with this?  
TT: I’ll admit I’m not sure of this, but I believe Dave, that is to say Alpha Dave, did have some extent of a crush on you before any of this happened.  
TT: But try to imagine the experience of not seeing anyone for three whole years, having no contact with them at all, and then trying to pick up where you left off.  
TT: He moved on, and he found someone he truly loved.  
TT: Whether he’s ready to admit it or not.  
GG: then why didn’t i move on too?  
TT: You were alone, weren’t you?  
TT: John and Davesprite both died halfway through your journey, so you had no opportunity to form new bonds.  
TT: Tell me, during those months of isolation, how much time did you spend waiting until you could see Dave again?  
GG: can you blame me?  
GG: he was all i had left!  
TT: Exactly.  
TT: While Dave had three years to lose sight of what he’d liked about you in the first place, you had all that time to idealize him and scour your memory for every last detail of him that you liked.  
TT: You saved up all that love and now it has nowhere to go.  
TT: Perhaps it’s time you do something other than waiting for him to accept it.  
GG: like what?  
GG: like what, rose?  
GG: ...?  
GG: you cant just leave in the middle of a conversation, rose  
GG: okay, talk to you later I guess  
(sent @16:13)  
TT: Sorry about that, something came up.  
TT: Well, not just something.  
TT: Jade, it’s finally happened.  
GG: what happened?  
TT: The Mother Grub.  
TT: She’s given birth.

\---

“callie! hey!” Roxy backed a good two feet away from John. Their lips hadn’t quite met yet when her cherub friend came down the stairs, so maybe there was a way to damage control this. “john and i were just having a staring contest, and i won.”

“what? i thought we were having a moment ther-- ow!”

“your turn, wanna go up against the reigning champ?”

“roxy.” Callie sat down across the table, her face perfectly neutral. Her face was always perfectly neutral, it was a porcelain skull with glass eyes. If she were human or troll, maybe she would be holding back tears or something, but that was simply a physical reaction she wasn’t capable of. “it’s qUite alright, roxy. i’m not a fool, i can see what’s happening here.”

“callie, im sorry. i didnt think youd have to find out this way.”

“it’s fine, roxy. i Understand how yoU feel for him, and i woUld never want yoU to feel as if yoU owe me anything.” She nervously fidgeted with the ring on her finger. “yoU’ve already given me the gift of life, it woUld be selfish for me to expect even more.” Callie stood up and began to walk to the door. “i’m fine.”

“callie...”

“i said i’m FINE! shUt UP!” Calliope slapped a hand over her mouth. “i’m sorry for that oUtbUrst.”

“where are you going, callie?”

“i’m a cherUb, am i not? my place is between stars, defending living creatUres withoUt growing attached to them.” She strained her muscles, and John realized that there were wings starting to grow beneath her shirt. “bUt. i’m glad i coUld have this opportUnity to be attached for a while.” The cherub left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was worth the extra week (and one day), I hope. Now that the world has been pretty much saved from actual villany, all that's left is a bunch of drama, mostly involving kissing and/or crying. Tune in next week for more of that, I suppose.
> 
> P.S. please leave a comment mad that I did Jake, doomed John, or Calliope dirty in this chapter. I'd love to know I succeeded to that end.


	8. My Wife Named Our Child After My Ex? 🙀🙀 (Not Clickbait)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody saw this one coming, but Rose and Kanaya just adopted a grub. What wacky hijinks will go down at their baby shower?  
> Meanwhile, John and Roxy still haven't kissed because it's only been eight chapters and I'm never going to let this damn fic end.

“Darling, Are You Quite Sure This Is A Good Idea?” Kanaya sealed the envelope on the last invitation.

“Whatever could you mean, dearest?” Rose tidied the stamped envelopes and placed them in a box to deliver. “Do you mean to insinuate that it won’t end well inviting Jane Crocker, known opponent of troll reproduction and interspecies marriage, to a party thrown by interspecies wives whose job is to aid troll reproduction? Probably.”

“Then Why Are We Doing It?”

“It’s an old human tradition to invite family members who you detest to important parties and then avoid making eye contact the entire time. And who knows, maybe once she sees how happy we are together and what an important step this is for trollkind, her heart will grow three sizes and she’ll call off her presidential campaign altogether.”

“That Was Human Sarcasm, Yes?”

“Of course.”

“You Know I Find Your Snarky Horseshit Irresistible.”

“Mostly I look forward to seeing our estranged friends who _aren’t_ flaming bigots. Fortunately, that’s almost all of them.” Rose kissed her wife. “Worry not, dear, it’s going to be an incredible party.”

\---

“DAVE, WHAT’S A BABY SHOWER?”

“pretty much its an old human thing where before a mother produces spawn she throws a party to make a big deal about the little monkey’s gender and get presents from a bunch of ladies with bad haircuts named carol. why?”

Karkat tossed Dave the invitation they’d just recieved. “I THINK YOU’VE JUST BECOME A HUMAN UNCLE.”

Dave read the letter, then re-read it, then re-read it again. “they named her WHAT?”

\---

“Dirk, have you seen this?”

“About the party? Yes.” Dirk didn’t even look up from his work. “Are we making an appearance?”

“Well I can’t speak on your behalf, but I doubt it would be good publicity for me not to show up.” Jane started drafting an RSVP. “But can you believe they’re actually celebrating this? They frame it as the ‘resurrection’ of their race, even though trolls have made up a perfectly equitable percentage of Earth C’s population for millennia! You know what this is, Dirk?”

“The beginning of the end for humanity’s reign?”

“The beginning of the end for humanity’s reign!”

“Jane, I’ve already heard this whole spiel. I’m trying to work.”

“Do you know how many eggs the Mother Grub has laid since it started five days ago? One million. That fucking _monster_ has laid almost 150 eggs in the past minute alone.”

“If you can’t go ten minutes without ranting like that, maybe it’s better you don’t go.”

“Oh, I’m going. Believe me, I am so totally going. I’m gonna show up and party so hard everyone looks at me and wonders who that sharply dressed party animal could possibly be. I’m the party animal. It’s me.”

\---

April 27, two weeks since Terezi’s return. The day of the party.

John was pretty impressed when he walked into Rose and Kanaya’s hive. It was a multilevel structure built into the side of a hill above the caverns that hosted the Mother Grub, with a private elevator that led right down to her chamber. For the party, the foyer and living room were decorated with beautiful cloths hanging from the ceilings, much like the decorations on Kanaya’s old hive. The guests included everyone from the old session, other than Callie and Vriska, some of the jadebloods who had helped raise the Mother Grub, a reporter from the New Prospit Hornographer, and a young troll John had never seen before.

“John! We were worried you wouldn’t be coming!”

John smiled and ran up to his old friend. “of course i came. i absolutely had to meet, uh... your daughter.”

“She Has A Name, John.”

“yeah, yep, she sure does.” John stooped down to eye level of the grub Rose was holding. Oh lord, eye contact made it worse, what with all the extra pupils. “hello... v-vriska.”

That would have been a surprising twist, if you hadn’t already read it in the Epilogues.

“so she’s, like, actually a genetic identical of her? like that aranea girl?” John made a face. “it’ll be hard to get used to her having the same name.”

“1 COULD TH1NK OF DUMB3R N4M3S. YOU SHOULD N4M3 YOUR SON H4RRY 4ND3RSON SOM3D4Y.”

John spun around, almost jumping in surprise. Hearing Terezi’s voice was still a bit of a shock after all those years of her being gone. “terezi, hi!” He went in for a hug.

Terezi let him, but mouthed something like “what a nerd” at Rose and Kanaya. “3W, HUM4N COOT13S.”

“also, harry anderson would be a totally awesome name!”

“ROS3, PL34S3 R3FR3SH MY M3MORY ON HUM4N V3RN4CUL4R. DO3S TH3 PHR4S3 ‘TOT4LLY 4W3SOM3’ M34N SOM3TH1NG TH4T 1S SUP3R L4M3 4ND 1MPOSS1BL3 TO T4K3 S3R1OUSLY?”

“fuck you terezi.” John punched her shoulder, smiling. “hey, have you seen roxy? i kinda wanted to talk to her about something.”

“SH3’LL PROB4BLY COM3 F1ND YOU 4T SOM3 PO1NT TON1GHT. JUST G3T SOM3 FOOD 4ND R3L4X, DORK.”

Once John was out of earshot, Kanaya piped up. “So Terezi, How Long Have You Been Waxing Black For Our Friend John Egbert?”

“PL34S3 T3LL M3 1T 1SN’T TH4T OBV1OUS.”

Rose shook her head.  “Your eyes may as well be shaped like little spades.”

“D4MN.”

\---

Over at the food table, Jake was hovering.

“hey jake!” John walked over and grabbed a tiny ham sandwich from a platter. “great party, right?”

Jake shrugged. “Its a right good shindig, i reckon. Nobodys really stopping to gab with ol jakey e, though.”

“guess i’ll have to fix that then.” John pulled up two chairs and sat down on one. “aren’t dirk and jane your friends? Why don’t you chat with them?”

“Theyre busy doing... that.”

He gestured over to where Jane was ranting to anyone would listen about the dangers of troll reproduction and how awful old Alternian society was. Most of the guests were ignoring her, since half of them were the people who literally brought back the Mother Grub in the first place, but the reporter from the Hornographer was uncomfortably taking notes on Jane’s speech. Dirk just stood behind her, backing her up with a “She’s right” or “That’s true, you know” every once in a while.

“yep, they seem... busy.”

They sat in silence for a while. Even though they were related pretty closely, John and Jake had never spoken all too much. After a few minutes, Jake spoke. “John, i wont lie. I feel really shit lately.”

Oh, were they doing the thing where one of them opens up about their feelings out of nowhere? “why’s that?” Damn, why did John open the floodgates?

“It was perhaps a week ago, i almost felt like a voice in my head was telling me how awful i was. Even my own imagination cant stand me.” It occurs to you (the reader) that maybe you shouldn’t have been so cruel to poor Jake. How could you do such a thing? You broke him. Wait, he’s still talking. Probably didn’t miss much. “I understand that im not smart, john. Im pretty much eye candy. But dont i still deserve to be treated like a person?”

Shit, John had zoned out. Quick, give a generic answer. “uh, yeah.”

Jake kept talking for ten minutes or something. Sure, his feelings were valid and all, but couldn’t he have made sure John wanted to hear them all before talking? “Youre a good listener, john. A real sweet guy. Honestly, i feel like im just an unwanted prequel to you sometimes.”

“hey, sometimes the prequel is better! like star wars.” Oof, bad example.

“Youre so right, john! Ive always been a phantom menace lover, myself.”

“oh my god both of you still have the worst taste.” Dave threw an arm over John’s shoulder. “which is to say, im glad some things never change.”

“dave! hey!”

“hey bro. good to see you getting out of the house for a change.”

“you’re one to talk, dumbass. last i checked there hadn’t been a single dave spotting in public for months before you and karkat started running for president.”

“touche.”

“And where is our friend karkat?”

Dave pointed over to where Jane and Dirk were.

“DO THE MATH YOU XENOPHOBIC FUCK. 200 THOUSAND IS LITERALLY *LESS* THAN THE HUMAN BIRTH RATE! ARE YOU REALLY THAT STUPID OR DO YOU JUST WANT AN EXCUSE TO BE SO BIGOTED?”

“i should probably break that up. talk to you later john.” Dave turned around and walked towards the brewing conflict. “its okay karkat. save it for the debate.”

\---

Throughout the party, Roxy hung back. She wasn’t exactly _avoiding_ John, she just wasn’t ready to talk about what had happened last week and she knew he would try to as soon as he saw her. Not at a party, please. This was about Rose and Kanaya and their beautiful (if somewhat awkwardly named) daughter, not confronting her complex feelings about John and the reasons she kicked him out after Callie stormed off. So once she saw John arrive, she just asked Rose if it would be okay for her to take a tour of the hive. Right now she was in the library, trying to parse the titles of books written in Alternian. 

“JOHN’S LOOK1NG FOR YOU.”

Roxy jumped at the sound of Terezi’s voice and knocked over a carefully stacked pile of books. “damn tz u scared me.”

Terezi smiled at the flustered human. “DON’T WORRY, 1 WON’T T3LL H1M WH3R3 YOU 4R3.” She sat down on a tabletop, which probably would have gotten Kanaya furious. “TH4T 1S, 1F YOU T3LL M3 WHY YOU’R3 4VO1D1NG H1M 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3.”

“its not him.” Roxy sighed and plopped down next to Terezi. “its callie. john wants to just go for it or whatever, and i think i do too, but it just feels wrong to move on from her so quickly. thats what i told him a week ago and he didnt exactly take it well.”

“1F YOU DON’T M1ND M3 4SK1NG, WH4T 3V3N *W4S* YOUR R3L4T1ONSH1P W1TH H3R? 1T 4LW4YS S33M3D PR3TTY 4MB1GUOUS TO M3.”

“it was... i dont even know tbh.” Roxy pondered the question for a while. “i guess it just felt like it was supposed to be us. i save her life, i literally put a ring on her finger, and then she helps me come into my powers and we fly off together.” She shrugged. “we were the endgame ship, or something.”

“4ND TH3N? WHY D1DN’T YOU G3T TOG3TH3R?”

“i never made a move because i thought she would. and i guess she never did because she was waiting for me to. we were stuck in limbo for so long, i got tired of holding out for her.” Roxy thought for a while longer. “but johns kinda the same.”

“S4M3 HOW?”

“hes the obvious dude love interest. its like the world wants me to choose which one im really in love with or something stupid like that.” She stood up and started pacing. “i do like him, but it still feels like id be cheating on callie somehow if i went forward with him now!” She looked at Terezi. “sometimes i wish i could actually see what would happen if i had taken a different path.”

“1 KNOW.”

“yeah, im sure everyone knows what that feels like.”

“NO, ROXY, 1 M34N TH4T 1 KNOW. 1 L1T3R4LLY H4V3 TH3 KNOWL3DG3 OF WH4T H4PP3NS TO YOU 1N 4T L34ST TWO D1FF3R3NT T1M3L1N3S.”

“h- how?”

“WHY DO YOU TH1NK 1 C4M3 B4CK? WH1L3 1 W4S OUT TH3R3, 1 S4W WH4T COULD H4PP3N. S33R OF M1ND, B4B3Y.”

“and what happens?”

“1 R34LLY SHOULDN’T T3LL YOU. KNOW1NG W1LL CH4NG3 WH4T YOU DO 4ND 4LL TH4T. BUT 4LSO, TH3 V3RY F4CT TH4T 1’M H3R3 H4S CH4NG3D 3V3NTS SO MUCH TH4T N31TH3R OF TH3 T1M3L1N3S 1 S4W C4N H4PP3N 4NYMOR3 4NYW4Y.”

“then cant you tell me anything?”

“F1N3, 1’LL T3LL YOU TH1S MUCH. WH3N 1 LOOK3D 4H34D 4ND S4W YOU, YOU W3R3 TH3 P3RSON YOU W4NT3D TO B3. TH4T W4S TWO D1FF3R3NT P3OPL3 L34D1NG TWO D1FF3R3NT L1V3S W1TH TWO V3RY D1FF3R3NT 1D34S OF WHO TH3Y W4NT3D TO B3, BUT 1N BOTH YOU W3R3 H4PPY.”

“i guess thats all i really need to know.” Roxy looked at the jumble of books on the floor. “ill get back to the party soon, but first could you help me clean up this mess?”

“4BSOLUT3LY. 1’D H4T3 TO S33 K4N4Y4 GO B4LL1ST1C BEC4US3 W3 M3SS3D UP H3R SYST3M.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that. Finally some teroxy, like I've been advertising from the start. This always was going to be a slow burn.
> 
> Sorry that this chapter is two days behind. I've been swamped and honestly I'm having some trouble finding inspiration for minor plot points, the stuff between what I had planned from the start. After getting like halfway through this chapter I realized I accidentally made it pretty much a copy of another teroxy fic, so I had to start over.
> 
> Thanks so much to all the readers who have joined me this far, and to all the people who left kudos and comments. Y'all are the best! Maybe I'll thank you with a chapter on time next week. Or maybe not.


	9. The blank page

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bunch of teens can't agree what to do with their fresh start.

Years in the past, but not many.

Not many by our heroes’ timelines, but several million by the Earth’s.

A group of teen immortals stood in the emptiness, gazing at the place where their new Eden would soon rest.

“are you sure this is the one?”

“of course i am john! im not just the witch of space, im also an actual scientist who actually knows about space :p”

“so we, what, just drop the earth here and come back in a hundred years and there’ll be glaciers again?”

“its gonna take WAY longer than that, john. but yeah, this star is almost exactly the same mass, age, density, heat, level of radiation, and everything as our old sun. we drop the earth and set it orbiting and rotating right, and it’ll spring back to life. heck, most of the old zodiac constellations are even here.”

“except cancer lol.”

“YEAH, I DON’T THINK I EVER PROPERLY SAID FUCK YOU FOR THAT LITTLE OVERSIGHT. FUCK YOU, HARELY.”

“fuck you too karkat. it doesnt even matter.”

“So after the ecosystem is back in order, we drop in a bunch of humans and rule over them?”

“Trolls, capracians, consorts, and humans, yes.”

“Yeah, them too. Dibs on president!”

“Y34H R1GHT, L1K3 TH3Y W4NT 4 S1XT33N-Y34R-OLD GOD T3LL1NG TH3M WH4T TO DO.”

“And, If My Understanding Of Old Human Culture Is Correct, ‘President’ Is Typically An Elected Position. Not Something One May Call Dibs On. Perhaps You Are Thinking Empress? Or Dictator.”

\---

Such entertaining bickering. I know I’d probably read another thousand words of this, at least. Just a bunch of 16 year olds arguing about the earth and the government and probably at least one mention of Obama out of left field. Their anxiety and hesitation towards creating a new world, a convenient metaphor for my difficulty continuing a project after committing to over 16,000 words of it. After some witty banter and maybe another rap battle (since everyone ate that shit up last time), the scene finally transitions back to Roxy at the party. You remember that, right? Three months ago or something when I was still updating this story, giving you such savory glimpses into my wish fulfillment and shipping desires. Roxy seeks John out, they have a very productive conversation the likes of which I could never manage with my romantic partners, and finally, after nearly half a year (real-world, only two weeks in-world), they fucking kiss already. Then a quick time skip to a rapidential debate between our presidential candidates. Because if there are two things people totally want more of, it’s Trump allegories and ironically bad rap. So obviously Team Karkat wins and the planet isn’t taken over by a fascist, I mean capitalist. Same thing. And then the rest is shipping, nonstop.

That’s no fun. No conflict. No intrigue. Let’s try this instead.

\---

Dave turned around and walked towards the brewing conflict. “its okay karkat. save it for the debate.” See what I did there? I repeated a line from earlier in the story to establish that we’ve jumped back to that point. I’m also explicitly stating the writing technique I just used, so there won’t be any mistaking what just happened. “this is a baby shower, man. youre not supposed to fight about who is or isnt a xenophobic fuck and make the baby cry.”

“Couldn’t have said it any better myself. Nothing to see here.” Dirk motioned to disperse the crowd. “I’m talking to you, Hornographer lady. There’s no scoop.”

“hey im not done.” Dave smirked. “as i was saying, at a baby shower the fight that makes the baby cry is something petty. everyone, what’s the best episode of arthur? i think its fern and persimmony glitchet.”

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”

“Yeah bro, what the hell are you talking about. It’s obviously Arthur's Almost Live Not Real Music Festival.”

“okay, youve kinda got a point there. third graders rapping about library cards? genius. but me, im all for that fern character development. she doesnt get enough screen time and we all know it.”

“i personally liked falafelosophy.” Jade strolled over, holding a cheese plate.

Karkat practically jumped. “HOLY SHIT HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?”

“fuck you karkat, i was here the whole time!” Jade punched him and giggled. “anyway, falafelosophy came out more than a year after the world ended, but dirk insisted i watch this one episode from his 2010.”

“What can I say? I have nothing but respect for Neil Gaiman. But still, you need to appreciate the classics. Mister Ratburn sings an awful Doo-Wop song about homework.” Dirk laughed. Laughed!

He could hardly believe it himself, really. When he felt fate shift such that he’d never be able to become his ultimate self, Dirk made a resolution to just live an okay life. Someday the Dirk that mattered might want a happy memory to recall, and it would be this Dirk’s job to make those memories. So why not loosen up a little and joke about public children’s television?

The three bickered back and forth, gathering a crowd that even Karkat and Jane’s argument hadn’t managed, until Jane had no choice but to chime in. “Holy shit, you’re all idiots. There wasn’t a single worthwhile episode of Arthur until after CrockerCorp bought PBS. Best episode was the one where Sue Ellen learns the importance of brand loyalty. It even guest starred Guy Fieri!”

BANG!

\---

“okay, that’s the last of the books.” Roxy strolled over to the library door and held it open for Terezi.

“Y3S, F1V3 TO T3N M1NUT3S H4V3 P4SS3D S1NC3 TH3 3ND OF TH3 L4ST CH4PT3R, WH3N W3 ST4RT3D CL34N1NG.” Having reestablished the time frame, Terezi stepped out into the hall. “NOW HOW 4BOUT W3 G3T B4CK TO TH3 P4RTY 4ND YOU 4CTU4LLY T3LL JOHN HOW YOU F33L?”

“fine, bossypants.” Roxy walked to the end of the hall and gestured at the turn. “, right?”

“R1GHT. L3FT.” Terezi turned right at the corner. “SO 4NYW4Y, WH4T 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO S4Y TO JOHN? L1K3, SP3C1F1C4LLY.”

“i dunno. something like ‘i wanna make this work, even though callie left.’” Roxy and Terezi turned left.

“TH4T SOUNDS 4BOUT R1GHT.” They turned clockwise. “YOU’V3 GOTT4 B3 STR41GHTFORW4RD W1TH TH1S.” They walked straight forward.

“wow tz, sometimes you’re really profound. you can really talk wise.” She led Terezi with a counter-clockwise turn. “thanks to your advice, this is gonna be the year i turn my life around. full 180.” They made a U-turn.

“1F YOU W4NN4 H4NG OUT MOR3 OFT3N 1’D B3 DOWN.” They went down a flight of stairs. “JUST K33P M3 POST3D ON WH4T YOU’R3 UP TO.” They went up two floors.

“were lost.”

“D4MN, 1 TH1NK W3 4R3. W41T, M4YB3...” Terezi confidently turned a corner, then turned right the hell back around. “OK4Y YOU SHOULD C4LL ROS3. 4SK H3R WHY SH3 BU1LT H3R HOUS3 L1K3 4 FR1GG1N’ M4Z3.”

Roxy took her phone out of her sylladex and dialed Rose. It rang for a bit and...

“hey!”

...

“yea, i’m lost in your big weird house”

...

“shit, for real?” Roxy looked up, paused for a moment, and stifled a laugh. “i see it.”

...

“no way. well get there as soon as we can!” Roxy hung up the phone. “tz. how did neither of us notice the exit signs?”

“SH1T.”

The two rushed down the halls, following the signs, and got to the Great Arthur Debate just in time for

BANG!

\---

“So, Do You Think Terezi Is Going To Be In Denial Forever?”

“You mean about her feelings for John?” Rose thought about it. “Not forever. She’s more likely to go for it than, say, Dave and Karkat. But less likely than John and Roxy.”

“Would You Be Willing To Bet On That? Without Using Your Seer Powers To Cheat, Of Course.”

“Sure I would. John and Roxy get together, then John and Terezi go spades. Dave and Karkat happens last, if at all. There’s a lot going on there. If not, I owe you dinner.”

“I See. I Will Hold You To That.”

Rose’s phone started ringing. She gave Kanaya the “shh” finger and accepted the call.

...

“Roxy? You were just here. Did you get lost or something?”

...

“Seriously? We keep each turn clearly posted with an exit sign.”

...

“Perfect. Please get here quickly, it seems as though the Strider boys and miss Harley are having a feverish debate over the kids’ show Arthur.” Rose hung up.

Kanaya finished doing something on her phone and put it back in her pocket. “Is This A Normal Happening At A Baby Shower, Or Is Your Family Just Legally Required To Cause A Disruption Any Time They’re In Public?”

“Probably a bit of both. Still, it’s fun to watch. Never a dull moment with--”

BANG!

\---

Shit, let’s be Jake for a second.

Your name is Jake English. You’re middle aged, not divorced but in hiding from your wife, and absolutely miserable. Today is the day that this war truly becomes a _war_. As the rifts continue to rain ghosts upon the battlefield, the armies of Crocker and Vantas march upon each other.

This isn’t the world you wanted. This isn’t the world poor Tavros deserves to be raised in. This is hell. As hell happens and continues to happen, you have but one hope.

You only Hope nobody ever has to go through this again.

\---

“i should probably break that up. talk to you later john.” Dave turned around and walked towards the brewing conflict.

“okay! see you dave!”

“Ill level with you, john. I hope they dont win the election.”

“who, dave and karkat?” John twiddled his thumbs awkwardly. “it’s not really my business who you support in the race.”

“No, jane and dirk.” Jake clenched his fist, and looked up at John with a fire in his gaze neither of them had ever seen before. “Its like kanaya said seven years ago, jane would be nothing less than a fucking dictator.”

“wow. i, uh, had no idea you were so interested in politics. or that you remembered that conversation.” John was getting nervous. Jake never talked like this. “hey, i’m getting nervous. you never talk like this.”

“Shut up, john. You dont know dick about me. Im so FUCKING sick of people thinking they know me.”

“jake, what’s wrong?”

“Whats wrong? Ill tell you whats wrong. People walk all the fuck over me and think ill never take a stand.” Jake pulled the Flintlocks of Zillyhau out of his sylladex. “So this is me, taking a stand.” He took aim, and

BANG!

“I only Hope nobody ever has to go through this again.”

Jane Crocker fell to the ground. One bullet wound through the heart, another through the head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so I lied last week when I said I probably wouldn't finish this fic. Well, no, I just changed my mind. It's NaNoWriMo so I decided to make this my writing. I wrote and edited this chapter in just two days. Let's see if it's 50,000 words by the end of the month.
> 
> What did you think of this twist? Do you think Jane's death is gonna stick? Are you mad at me? Leave a comment!


	10. I Shot President Crocker (and I'm gonna do it again and again and again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of murder, and a whole lot of processing.

Everything was silent for a moment. The absolute shock of what had just happened stifled the air and stopped a single noise from being made. Then, a clatter as Jade’s cheese plate hit the floor and another as Jake’s guns hit the floor. Then another moment of silence.

“what... what just happened.” Roxy looked around at all her friends still frozen around the room. “whats going on why isnt anyone doing anything.”

“jake, what the fuck did you just do?” John desperately looked from Jake, shocked and standing next to him, to Jane, dead and on the ground, and back.

“why isnt anyone DOING ANYTHING!” Roxy shoved Terezi aside and ran over to Jane, kneeling next to her body.

The tension broken, everyone else started to react to what had just happened. Dave turned away from the sight of blood, and Karkat patted him on the back in an awkward act of comfort. Jade’s ears flattened back against her head as she suppressed the urge to vomit. Rose buried her face into her wife’s shoulder, who wrapped her arms around her. John grabbed Jake’s wrist to make sure he didn’t try anything, but Jake was still frozen. And Roxy just kept sobbing over her friend’s corpse.

“roxy, i...” John stopped talking; he had nothing to say and he knew it.

Dirk finally regained his composure. “This isn’t actually a very big deal, you know.” He ignored everyone as they glared at him. “I mean seriously, she wasn’t throwing a baby into a fire and she wasn’t saving a baby from a fire. This wasn’t heroic or just, it was just a waste of everyone’s time.” He mostly believed it, too.

“yea, she... shell be back soon.”

The reporter for the daily Hornographer took a photo of the bloody scene before her, and the flash was enough to snap Jake back to reality.

“Im... Im right sorry folks, im not quite sure whats just come into me.” Jake attempted his stunning English smile, but nobody was buying it. “Rose, kanaya, im terribly sorry ive pulled darling vriskas shower off the rails.”

Kanaya glared at Jake. “Get Out Of My House.” She was far from Jane’s biggest fan, but Kanaya was still none too pleased about a murder ruining her party.

“All of you, please.” Rose spoke weakly from the safety of Kanaya’s embrace. “The party is over. We’ll watch Jane’s body until she revives.”

John walked over to Roxy and offered his hand. “come on, let’s get out of here.” She took his hand and he lifted her up into a hug. “she’s gonna be okay, i’m sure of it.”

\---

“you know, i seriously suck.” Dave was lying on the couch in his hive, his head in Karkat’s lap.

“WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?” Karkat paused the movie they were watching. This was going to an in-depth feelings jam.

“its been like ten years since ive seen my bro. the one who ‘raised’ me, i mean. the way he treated me growing up gave me, like, serious trauma. i got to a place where i would just freeze at the sight of blood.” Dave shrugged. “i guess i thought since its been so long i didnt have to worry about it anymore?”

“BUT YOU FROZE AGAIN ANYWAY.”

“exactly. i havent gotten better at all in seven years!”

“NO SHIT.”

“no shit?”

“YEAH, NO SHIT. YOU’VE BEEN SPENDING THE LAST TEN YEARS REPRESSING YOUR TRAUMA AND NOT TELLING ANYONE ABOUT IT, LET ALONE SEEING A FUCKING THERAPIST? OF COURSE YOU STILL FEEL AWFUL!”

“wow karkat... i had no idea you had so much faith in mental health professionals.”

“IT’S BETTER THAN NOTHING, STUPID. OR AT LEAST...” Karkat may or may not have been blushing. “YOU COULD AT LEAST TALK TO ME. IF YOU WANT.”

“okay, karkat, do you really want to know how im feeling?” Dave sat up. “when i realized that jane was dead, i was happy for a second. for a minute, i hoped she would stay dead.”

“COOL, SO DID I.”

“what? man, youre supposed to be shocked and repulsed that i would think that and then you tell me something like ‘thats bad, but your first response to something doesnt define you.’”

“YEAH, BUT THAT ISN’T VERY BAD. I GUESS IT’S DIFFERENT ON EARTH, BUT ON ALTERNIA IT WAS TOTALLY NORMAL TO HOPE YOUR ENEMIES ARE KILLED. ESPECIALLY SINCE JANE IS LIKE A SUPER DANGEROUS BIGOT. FOR ME, THIS IS JUST ANOTHER REMINDER OF HOW IMPORTANT IT IS WE BEAT HER.”

“huh. i guess it makes sense youd see it that way.” Dave stretched, yawned, and ended up with an arm over Karkat’s shoulder. With anybody else that would have very obviously been a smooth and deliberate move, but this is Dave we’re talking about. It was probably actually an accident. “aight, lets get back to the movie. wheres the remote?”

Karkat didn’t respond.

“bro, I kind of want to see what happens next. wheres the remote”

Karkat let out a long irritated groan. “OKAY, YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT STUPID SHIT I WAS TEXTED DURING THE PARTY TODAY.”

“probably not. spill, man.”

Karkat pulled out his phone and opened whatever messaging app everyone was using in the future.

GA: Karkat, I Will Be Blunt  
GA: You And Dave Are Quite Clearly In Love, And Everyone Is Tired Of How You Beat Around The Bush  
GA: Yourselves Included, I Surmise  
GA: It Would Help Me Win A Bet If The Two Of You Talk Through Your Feelings

“WE AREN’T IN LOVE, RIGHT?”

“oh totally not, bro. were just bros, bro.”

“YEAH THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. LET’S KEEP WATCHING THIS MOVIE.”

“but uh, just hypothetically, what if i did like you?”

“HYPOTHETICALLY? I GUESS THAT WOULD BE PRETTY COOL MAYBE.” Karkat started to sweat nervously. “WHAT ABOUT IF I LIKED YOU?”

“i mean thatd be pretty gay of you man. dope, but gay.” Dave noticed his arm was still casually around Karkat. “hypothetically, right?”

“OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS. LET’S TRY KISSING JUST ONE TIME, AND THEN IF WE DON’T LIKE IT WE WON’T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS EVER AGAIN.”

“yeah, just to be sure.” Dave had already pulled some chapstick out of his sylladex and was applying it generously to his lips.

I’ll level with you, I don’t know how to write kisses. Suffice it to say, those two lovebirds never got back to their movie that night.

\---

“Hey bartender, get me a drink. Something hard.” Dirk slumped in his chair and looked around the dingy pub he was in. There wasn’t much remarkable about it, other than the fact it was so unremarkable. Nobody was there except for the server, Dirk himself, and one other. “And how about a bottle of blue Faygo for my friend here?”

“M4K3 TH4T R3D. LUK3W4RM, PL34S3, 1 DON’T W4NT TO 3NJOY TH3 T4ST3 3V3N 4 L1TTL3.” Terezi grimaced. Things were pretty bad that she was willing to drink the wicked elixir. “SO. WH4T TH3 FUCK JUST H4PP3N3D?”

“I have no idea. I didn’t do that, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“OBV1OUSLY. 1F YOU W3R3 N4RR4T1NG 1’D H4V3 4 SPL1TT1NG H34D4CH3 R1GHT NOW. 4ND TH1S 1SN’T R34LLY YOUR STYL3 4NYW4Y. 1 TH1NK 3NGL1SH M1GHT H4V3 JUST... DON3 TH4T.”

Dirk gave Terezi his most shit-eating grin. “Wow, here you had me thinking that decapitating me would make the world turn perfect.” Dirk’s drink arrived, and he winced as he took a sip.

“W3LL TH1NGS 4R3 W4Y B3TT3R TH4N TH3Y W3R3 1N YOUR DUMB4SS V3RS1ON OF TH3 WORLD. 1 W4SN’T TRY1NG TO M4K3 3V3RYTH1NG P3RF3CT, 4NYW4Y. 1 W4S JUST M41NT41N1NG TH3 SL1GHT3ST S3MBL3NC3 OF FR33 W1LL 4ND S4V1NG JOHN’S L1F3.”

“Still, I bet you didn’t see this coming. All those mind powers and your whole thing about seeing the consequences of actions, but you never guessed that Jake would flip his shit.”

“1T JUST DO3SN’T M4K3 4NY S3NS3! H3’S 4 SH1TTY H1MBO, H3 H4S TH3 BR41N OF 4 SPONG3 4ND 3V3N L3SS OF 4 BACKBON3!” Terezi slapped the bar. “B4RT3ND3R! WH3R3’S MY LUK3W4RM SUG4RW4T3R?”

“Here’s something I never got. Is sugar actually soporific to Troll physiology, or are you just an idiot?” Dirk took another sip of his own drink. Yep, still tasted like shit.

“H3R3’S SOM3TH1NG 1 N3V3R GOT. 1S 4LCOHOL 4CTU4LLY SOPOR1F1C TO HUM4N PHYS1OLOGY, OR 4R3 YOU JUST 4N 1D1OT?”

“Fair, I guess.”

The two sat in silence for a while. They weren’t exactly strangers these days; they’d been going to auspistice therapy together ever since Terezi got back, because there would be nothing but disaster if they went caliginous with each other. Over the course of two weeks, Terezi’s fiery rage towards a Dirk who didn’t even exist in this universe had simmered down to a vague resentment towards him. Dirk never really had any strong feelings towards her in the first place, so it was a non-issue from his perspective. And now, they were in a chill enough place where they could drink their respective poisons without one trying to kill the other.

Finally Terezi’s Faygo arrived, which took longer because the bartender had to warm it up first. She took one sip, spat it out, and poured the rest out onto the floor. “WH3N3V3R 1’M 4FR41D 1’M GONN4 R3L4PS3, 1 T4K3 4 S1NGL3 S1P OF TH3 MOST D1SGUST1NG F4YGO 1 C4N F1ND, TO R3M1ND MYS3LF JUST HOW MUCH 1 H4T3 DR1NK1NG TH1S SH1T.”

“I drank the orange flavor once, it’s even worse. Try that next time.”

“HUH, M4YB3 1 W1LL.” Another minute of silence. “SO D1D YOU M34N WH4T YOU S41D TO ROXY? TH4T J4N3 1S GO1NG TO B3 OK4Y?”

“I mean, yeah. I guess. I did some shitty stuff in another life and you killed me for it, but I was fine because it wasn’t really me who did it.” Dirk shrugged. “Jake probably shot her because he remembered for a second what she did in another timeline. If that doesn’t count for me, no way it counts for her.”

“D4MN. 1 M4D3 4 B3T W1TH ROS3 B3FOR3 L34V1NG TH4T SH3 ST4YS D34D. 1 C4N’T R34LLY S4Y WH4T, BUT SOM3TH1NG W4S W31RD 4BOUT WH4T W3NT DOWN. SOM3 KIND OF HOP3-Y TH1NG. 1 M34N, H3LL, WH4T 3V3N M4D3 H1M R3M3MB3R 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3? 1T’S L1K3 SOM3TH1NG C4M3 OUT OF NOWH3R3.”

“I guess you could say it was... hiding in your blindspot.”

“1 W1LL NOT H3S1T4T3 TO K1LL YOU 4G41N.”

\---

John sat alone in his house. And he did nothing. After all, what does a person do when they’ve just witnessed a murder? When they stand next to the actor of the bloody deed, and take no action to stop it?

He had seen it coming, just barely. He had been given just a few crucial moments where he could have stopped it. He really could have stopped it. He could have done something. He could have saved a life. He could have done _anything_. And realistically? Jane would probably be fine. She probably wasn’t Dead. Hurt, yes. Bleeding, yes. She was even dead in the temporary sense. But not Dead.

Still, what if she _was_? John couldn’t stop thinking about that possibility, no matter how unlikely it was. If she really was Dead, it would be his fault. He did nothing. His inaction killed her. Jake had pulled the trigger, but John had killed her. How could he face any of his friends again, knowing he had killed Jane? How could he face Roxy? It was driving him mad.

He just couldn’t stop seeing it, that was the problem. If he let his mind blank for even a second, it was filled with the sight of Jane, on the ground, dead instantly. It was the blood that really stuck it in his mind’s eye. There was so much of it, and it was probably still there. Rose had probably moved the body out of her living room by now, but that blood wasn’t going anywhere. They’d need to get a whole new carpet for there to stop being blood in the carpet. And so every time John blinked, that’s what he saw. A stain on the carpet. And lying on that stain was his dad and Rose’s mom. Lying on the stain was grimdark Rose. Was the Rose from the Game Over timeline. Was the defeated Condesce. Was Jane. John had seen so much blood in his life. It was killing him.

\---

Roxy sat alone in her house. And she did nothing. After all, what does a person do when their oldest friend has just been murdered? When not even an hour ago they were crying over her body?

And then Roxy made a decision. She wasn’t going to stew in this funk all night. Jane was going to be just fine! In fact, she was probably revived by now and would text her soon that she was all better. Seriously, how many times had Roxy watched Jane die by now? This was like the third or fourth time, and it would last just as long as the rest.

Roxy got dressed and walked out her front door. She was gonna visit John.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter is named after the song "I Shot President McKinley (and I'm gonna do it again and again and again)" by Out of System Transfer. Does a fic really count if there isn't a chapter named after a song or song lyric? I think not.
> 
> I won't make any promises about when the next chapter is coming. It's like 85% and the one after that is like 50% so do what you will with those numbers. Did I do Davekat well enough? Are y'all miffed that they happened before any combination of John/Roxy/Terezi? Do you think Jane's gonna come back, or will I have to add "major character death" to the fic tags soon? Leave a comment, tell me what you think, validate my struggle, yadda yadda we all know the drill by now.


	11. I read somewhere that making your WIP in an interesting font helps keep you engaged while writing, so the entire google doc for this fic is written in comic sans.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade is being edgy over boys, Callie is being edgy over a girl, and Jake is out here panicking because he's a literal murderer. One of these things is not like the others.
> 
> Also, yes, this chapter's title is supposed to sound like the title of a James Roach song. How could you tell?

GG: oh my god rose im so fucking done with dave  
GG: you will not BELIEVE whats going on right now  
GG: so me and dave and karkat are all watching a movie right?  
GG: and i get up to use the bathroom  
GG: and first of all they dont even pause the movie for me  
GG: but then ive been in here for like ten minutes and dave and karkat just  
GG: start going at it  
GG: just very loudly having sex  
GG: without me! >:B  
GG: how did this happen?  
GG: literally yesterday they turned down a free dinner at a nice restaurant because it might seem like they were dating  
GG: and it wasn’t like they were worried the tabloids would think they were dating  
GG: they were worried EACH OTHER would think they were dating  
GG: and now i guess all that baggage is gone and theyre both raring to go  
GG: let me reiterate, without me  
GG: youre probably thinking right now that i should be happy for them  
GG: instead of just thinking about myself  
GG: and thats probably right  
GG: but honestly im not happy for them  
GG: their happiness with each other is fundamentally incompatible with my happiness with either of them  
GG: so no im not happy for them  
GG: ...  
GG: youre doing that thing again where you dont respond to my texts  
GG: what, did the mother grub give birth for the first time again?  
GG: actually i think i get what youre saying here  
GG: you read every word and youre being quiet because my selfishness deserves no response or something  
GG: i guess youre right  
GG: maybe i should stop defining myself by my feelings for those two  
GG: yeah!  
GG: im gonna go find myself!  
GG: this is going to be the year i do me  
GG: im gonna march out that door right now and get my own place to live and start playing the guitar again and join a capracian band and cut my hair really short  
GG: on second thought maybe i should wait for the boys to get dressed before i leave the bathroom  
GG: but once they do THEN im gonna do all that stuff!

\---

After the party, Jake didn’t go home. He was hardly even conscious of what he’d just done, but he knew it was only a matter until the authorities were called on him. His house would be the first place they’d check. Instead, he made his way to the nearest bar. Time to drink to forget.

He walked into a pub a few blocks away from Rose and Kanaya’s hive. There wasn’t much remarkable about it, other than the fact it was so unremarkable. He sat down at the counter. “Pardon, could i have a mint julep?” The bartender nodded and started making his drink. “And when you finish making that one, just start making more. Id like to get fucked up tonight.”

“Jake?”

“OH GOG FOR R34L?”

“The fuck are you doing here?”

Of course. What were the odds Jake _didn’t_ end up in the same shitty pub as his ex? “Dirk! So nice to see you so soon after we parted. And miss pyrope, as lovely as ever.” Jake forced a smile. “This is far from the first party ive been to that ended in disaster, as im sure dirk could tell you. My secret? Drink. Just drink.” Jake downed his cocktail and hailed the bartender. “I changed my mind, i dont need this fancy claptrap. Just get me some damned bourbon.”

“You don’t have to do that.” Dirk slid the bartender some cash. “He’s bad enough sober.”

“Oh, dont be such a fuddy duddy, dirk. I have a whole night of merriment left before i probably get arrested in the morning. You should come with, itll be great fun.” Jake gave Dirk his classic finger guns, in incredibly poor taste considering the events of that night.

“Jake, seriously, now is not the time to get wasted. Right now, you should either be running away or planning your defense.” Dirk put a hand on Jake’s shoulder and gave him his most serious look. Or at least, as serious a look as one can give while wearing anime shades. “We all hope Jane revives, but if she doesn’t... You don’t want to be here, Jake.” Dirk removed his hand and clenched it into a fist. “Leave this planet right now. For your sake.”

Terezi piped up, after being surprisingly quiet for this whole interaction. “OR H1R3 4 V3RY GOOD L4WY3R.”

Panic entered Jake’s eyes. “I...” Jake started to hyperventilate. “I knew that id be arrested, but...” Jake stood up and started backing towards the exit. “You dont think theyll give me the death penalty, do you? Surely it isnt that bad. They woudnt kill ol jakey e, would they?”

“J4K3, C4LM DOWN. PL34S3 DON’T LOS3 YOUR SH1T 4ND GO OFF PL4N3T. TH3 L4ST TH1NG W3 N33D 1S 4 WHOL3 S3QU3L COM1C 4BOUT CH4S1NG A 23-Y34R-OLD GOD DOWN THROUGH SP4C3 TO FORC3 H1M TO ANSW3R FOR H1S M4G1C CR1M3S.” Terezi rolled her eyes at the thought of something like that happening, published monthly for the rest of time. What a silly idea. “1F 1T’LL STOP YOU FROM B31NG 4 FUCK1NG 1D1OT, 1’LL B3 YOUR D3F3NS3 L3G1SL4-- 4TTORN3Y.”

“Didn’t you only do prosecution on Alternia.”

“UN1MPORT4NT. FUCK YOU.”

“I’m just saying, your skillset isn’t exactly made to defend a murderer. Most trials on your dumbass planet ended with ADDITIONAL murders.”

“OK4Y, 4ND?”

“So you can’t... Shit.”

“1 C4N’T SH1T?”

“Jake’s gone.”

“SH1T.”

\---

In high Earth orbit, a very sad girl was crying.

Well, “girl” may or may not have been the best term to describe her, and her eyes were still not designed to compensate the flow of tears. But besides that, the rest is true.

In high Earth orbit, a very sad individual was being sad through means that did not require tear ducts.

You see, in space everything moves slower. I’m not talking relativity, and that time has actually passed slower for Calliope somehow. I’m speaking in more of the symbolic sense. A futuristic spaceship, fast as it may be, still takes years to travel to even close stars. Just the same, emotional turmoil that could be quickly resolved when surrounded by people who love you can last forever if you’re in space.

For the past however many weeks, Calliope had been trying her darndest to put off leaving the solar system. She told herself it was just until her wings were grown in the rest of the way, then she’d be off into interstellar space, but underneath she knew that wasn’t why. She wanted to go back.

She wanted to drop back down to the planet she had grown so used to calling home, see her beloved friends again, and pretend nothing had even happened, but she just couldn’t do that. If she did, it would be like her anger and hurt was over nothing. She didn’t want everything to go back just how it was, because just how it was wasn’t actually all that good.

Not all that good on her own part. She had grown far too attached to Roxy, without even making sure Roxy felt the same way. Roxy didn’t “lead her on,” she was just nice to her like any friend would be, and Callie was the one who reached romantic conclusions from that. While her hurt over it ultimately leading to heartbreak was valid hurt, it was still Callie’s own fault to some extent.

And of course, on the less slice of life side of things, her investment in the affairs of earthlings really was getting in the way of her cosmic destiny. Eventually Callie would have to leave Earth C forever and become an interstellar badass, and she couldn’t do that if she was thirsting over a human. It would be right for the greater good if she left.

Yeah, that was it. It was high time for her to... wait. Who was that?

“Tally ho!” Jake floated up in front of Calliope, his god tier pajamas in full skimpy prominence. “Thought I might find you here. Mind if I join you fleeing the planet?”

\---

John had been continuing his itinerary for the night of lying around with the lights off, eating way too much alchemized junk food, and hating himself, when he heard a knock at the door.

“hey john its roxy. can i come in?”

“roxy?” John sat up quick and dusted off the crumbs that had accumulated during his self-loathing/self-pity power hour. “i mean, roxy! hey!” He stumbled over to the door, bumping into multiple pieces of furniture along the way. He opened the door. “what brings you here?”

“i didnt want to be alone tonight.” Roxy smiled genuinely and stepped into John’s house. “today was... a lot.” She flipped on the lights in John’s living room, illuminating the face of a very tired, very upset boy. “and it looks like you could use some cheering up yourself.” The best way to describe John’s face is that if he had been wearing mascara it would have been smeared all down his face.

“roxy.” John watched as Roxy walked over to his couch and plopped down. “roxy, i’m sorry.”

Roxy picked up an opened bag of off-brand cheetos. “sorry?”

“yeah, sorry.” John slumped against the wall and buried his face in his hands. “i know that doesn’t really cut it, but that’s all i can say to you right now.”

Roxy popped a “cheese-toe puff” in her mouth. Disgusting. “wait, sorry for what?”

“jane.” John slid down the wall, landing in an upright fetal position. “it’s my fault she got killed. i could have stopped it, and i didn’t, and it’s my fault.” He looked up at Roxy, tears welling up in his eyes. “what if she doesn’t get better, and it’s my fault?”

“have you...” Roxy got back up and walked over to John. “have you been sitting around this whole time, blaming yourself? it isnt your fault!” She sat down cross-legged next to him. “its jakes! i mean, duh!” Roxy reached over and hesitantly placed a hand on John’s shoulder. “we cant hold ourselves accountable for what other people do. jake did something bad, and thats on him. just like callie...” Roxy frowned. 

“hey, we don’t need to talk about that right now. there’s other stuff going on, let’s not sidetrack it with our relationship issues.”

“no, no, lets talk about this.” Roxy sighed. “you wanna know the real reason ive been avoiding you lately?”

“wait, you’ve been avoiding me?”

“oh lol i thought you noticed. yeah. but ive spent the last week wondering why i wouldnt just talk to you about this and i think i figured it out.” She paused for a few moments, choking on her words or maybe just unsure if they really were the truth. “i was... punishing myself.” She let out a sigh of relief, finally she’d said it. “i really was. i kicked you out because i blamed you for callie leaving, but then i stayed distant because id shifted the blame onto myself. if i was so awful that callie left, obviously i didnt deserve to, yknow. be happy. with you.”

“rox, i had no idea you were going through this.” John took her hand. “you really did love her, didn’t you?”

“i did.” She squeezed John’s hand. “but that doesnt make it my fault she left. it was her choice and her actions and im not wrong to move on and live my life without her.” 

“are you sure you’re okay?”

Roxy cupped John’s face with her other hand. “i know what i want, john.”

John slowly looked up, making eye contact with Roxy. She was so beautiful. In that moment, John couldn’t think of a single more breathtaking sight in the world. “and... what would that be?”

Roxy smiled. “you know.” She leaned in, and this time nothing got in the way. Nobody unexpectedly walked in on them, neither of them chickened out before their lips met, nothing went wrong at the last moment to draw out the drama for another ten thousand words. They just kissed, and it was a good one.

\---

TT: I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to listen to your very extensive drama.  
TT: I’m glad you’ve decided to find yourself, I suppose.  
TT: And it’s nice that Davekat is canon, as much as anything can be canon in this timeline.  
TT: Although that makes it two lost bets in a row.  
TT: I wasn’t responding because we’ve been given reason to believe Jane’s death was just.  
TT: The narrative seems to have called it mere moments ago.  
TT: Jane is Dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think, thematically speaking, showing the Calliope/Roxy drama from both their perspectives is the best way to never have to think about that subplot again. Seriously, even I was getting tired of it by the end. We get it, you're sad and bi.  
> Oh yeah, and also Jane is fucking dead. That's probably going to have some far-reaching narrative consequences.
> 
> I am still writing this, albeit slowly, but I'm not going to lie to you good folks and make up a "release schedule." The next chapter will come once I overcome my crippling depression for the couple of hours it takes to finish it. In the meantime like comment and subscribe.


	12. End of part 2, I guess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of several events in quick succession, Dave questions his sexuality, the police question some murder witnesses, and three very lonely individuals question their motivations.

Karkat woke up the next morning, and rolled over to see Dave under the covers with him. “OH. GOOD MORNING YOU.”

Dave’s eyes shot open. “holy shit dude why do you have to shout first thing in the morning?” As he grew more lucid, confusion set into his eyes. “wait a minute did we just...?”

“YEAH.”

“was it good?”

“I THINK SO.”

“so does this make me gay now?”

“DAVE, YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK OF YOUR SPECIES’ IDIOTIC PREOCCUPATION WITH GENDER AND SEXUALITY. HOW SHOULD I KNOW WHAT MAKES YOU GAY OR NOT.”

“i dunno, man, i figured youd have some sort of input on the matter.” Dave sat up and put on his shades. Funny, normally he’d even sleep with them on. “i guess it isnt gay as long as you dont say i love you.”

“WELL, ABOUT THAT...”

“i didnt.” Even as he said that, Dave was already remembering the previous night. Yeah, he most certainly did.

“YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID.” Karkat rubbed his shoulder and looked at Dave tenderly. “DID YOU MEAN IT?”

“i... i...” Dave began to panic. He hopped out of bed, noticed he was totally naked, and yanked the sheets to cover up with. Then he noticed Karkat was also still totally naked. He blushed and tried not to stare. “ dont know, man. thats a big question for six in the morning.”

“IT’S TEN THIRTY.”

“okay. okay, i can do this. karkat, i. like? you?” Dave fidgeted nervously. “karkat, i think i might have a crush on you.”

“DUDE, I THINK WE’RE PAST THAT.”

“i dont know man.” Dave sighed. “what about you? do you love me?”

“UH...”

“HA! see? not so easy!”

“LET’S JUST GET SOMETHING TO EAT AND THINK ABOUT THIS LATER.”

\---

Roxy woke up the next morning, and rolled over to see John under the covers with her. “mornin, sleepyhead.”

John squirmed a bit and groaned in protest.

Roxy laughed and wrapped an arm around him. “jeez johnny do you always sleep this heavy?”

Another grunt of indignation. “yes.” John rolled over and kissed Roxy. “at least, on the days when a cute girl doesn’t wake me up way too early.”

“john, its like 11 or something. its not early at all.” Roxy hopped up out of bed. “lets make breakfast. ill teach you how to make the best french toast.”

\---

The previous night...

If this was going to be the year of Jade finding herself, she thought, first it would have to be the year of her reconnecting with what had once made her her. Before she was that girl who was trying to force a relationship with Dave and Karkat, she used to be the Witch of Space. And before she was even that, she was a very silly girl who loved science. Funnily enough, she wasn’t really characterized by any of those things anymore. Even her signature powers weren’t really _hers_ , they were Bec’s. She was the conduit of the Green Sun more than she was the Witch of Space. Now that the Sun was gone, maybe it was her classpect’s time to shine. Time to see what she could do without relying on her absent doggy powers.

First, she just tried flying. She hovered off the ground, and soaked in the feeling of weightlessness. Nothing new there, she did this pretty much every day. So she lifted up higher and started flying up and up and up. She passed through the clouds, and entered a layer of perfect, clean, crisp air, and took a lungful of it. Beautiful.

Okay, now time for something challenging. The moon was about one light second away, time to see if Jade could travel faster than light without the Sun’s help.

She rocketed up and counted: One one-thousand. Two one-thou...

Dammit.

Jade sat down on the moon’s surface. “at least the stars are pretty.” Nobody heard her say that, obviously. Nobody can hear you say anything in space.

But she was right, for whatever that’s worth. The stars were truly beautiful. She made them herself, almost half her life ago, and they were beautiful. She kept staring at them until she dozed off. Probably because she wasn’t breathing any air.

\---

The doorbell rang.

“ill get it! john, dont let the stuff burn.” Roxy ran over to the door and opened it.

“Roxy? Huh, fancy seeing you here.” Rose twiddled her thumbs. “What have John and you been up to?”

Roxy smiled. “im teaching him how to make his own food.”

John called out from the kitchen. “and we’ve been making out a lot!”

“yeah, and weve been making out a lot.”

Rose winced. “Well then, I’m sorry I have to ruin your morning with such dire tidings.” A police officer stepped into view. “We need to take you in for questioning.”

“wait, jane is really pressing charges? i figured shed let jake get off with a warning or something.”

“Oh, Roxy... Jane is Dead.”

“no.”

\---

“okay, how about this.” Dave stared at his cereal, pulling his hair and desperately trying to decode his own feelings. “fuck, nevermind.”

“I SERIOUSLY DON’T GET WHAT YOUR HANGUP HERE IS. YOU CAN JUST SAY THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO PUT A LABEL ON THIS TOO SOON, AND LEAVE IT AT THAT.”

“yeah but i. i do. l-l-lo-ooo-ove... uh.” Dave yanked his hair even harder. Why was this so hard to just _say_? “spending time with you. i do love spending time with you.”

“DAVE WHAT THE FUCK.” Karkat pounded his head against a wall in frustration. “WE LIVE TOGETHER FULL TIME, WE HAVE SEX, WE’RE MORE EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE WITH EACH OTHER THAN WE EVER ARE WITH ANYONE ELSE. FROM WHAT I’VE SEEN OF YOUR PRIMITIVE HUMAN ROMANCE MOVIES, ANYONE WOULD COUNT US AS HAVING BEEN DATING FOR YEARS ALREADY.” He thought about the text Kanaya had sent him last night. “APPARENTLY SOME OF THEM DO.”

“oh yeah? if its so easy then you say it.”

“FUCK! FINE! DAVE I LOVE YOU!”

“wait for real?”

Karkat choked for a second, looking at Dave with utter disbelief. How could anyone be this dense? “YES!”

“oh shit.” Dave stared off into the distance.

All this time, Dave had quite actively avoided thinking about his feelings. He had combat, philosophy, and life to think about. Adding love to the mix was asking too much. Even ignoring the whole question of his sexuality, even ignoring Jade’s futile attempts to turn a non existent love triangle into an even less existent polyamorous interquadrant interspecies clusterfuck, Dave just didn’t want to ask himself that one big question. “Dave, what are you feeling?” He simply could not stand to think about it.

Or maybe he already had his answer. Maybe he knew for a fact how he felt about Karkat, and it was just the saying of the words that terrified him. After all, once he said it, he couldn’t very well take it back. This whole difficult conversation was happening because he had allegedly said it already in a moment of passion. And, just as he had always feared, it complicated things. Of course it did. What was so broken in his soul that he couldn’t just say some words that he already knew to be true? Why couldn’t he just--

“DAVE ARE YOU OKAY? YOU’VE BEEN QUIET FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES.”

“karkat, i think im not straight.” Okay, that was a start. “and... the reason im thinking this is because...” Dave realized he was gritting his teeth and clenching his eyes shut. He released the tension growing in his body and spoke. “im in love with you.” Dave stopped, processed what he’d just said, calibrated, and continued. “i love you romantically, and i would like to date you and be your boyfriend.”

Karkat was visibly shocked by how direct Dave suddenly was. “WELL SHIT. I’D LIKE THAT TOO.”

“hey, wheres jade?”

“WHAT. WHY ARE YOU ASKING THAT RIGHT NOW?”

“oh i meant it as a convenient segue into the next sce

\---

Somebody slapped Jade.

“jade? are yoU trUly Unconscious?”

“Jade, old girl? Care to stay with us?”

Jade’s eyes fluttered open, and she looked up to see Jake and Calliope. “jake...? callie...?” She sat up and stretched to clear her head. “what are you doing on the moon? and what are you breathing?”

“yoU... yoU do remember that we can breathe in space, don’t yoU?”

Jade took a deep breath in. Oh yeah, she could breathe. “okay, so what are you two doing in space?”

“Same as yourself, i reckon.” Jake shrugged as if it was no big deal. It was, in fact, a big deal. “Just trying to get away from it all.”

“i was already oUt here to start an interstellar joUrney, yoU know the drill, and jake showed Up becaUse he mUrdered someone. then we saw yoUr green flight trail and decided to follow yoU.”

“Were not quite as fast as you, clearly.”

Calliope smiled at Jade. “since yoU’re here, woUld yoU care to help me talk some sense into jake?”

“why? what’s wrong?”

“he wants to rUn away instead of facing trial on earth c. i’m trying to help him Understand that he’ll be Unbearably lonely in space with nobody to talk to. if he even sUrvives flying nonstop for lightyears between stars. it’s far worse than prison coUld possibly be!”

“she’s right, you know, jake.”

“You dont get it, you two. Theres nothing left for me back home. I mean, even before i killed anyone.” Jake kicked a moon rock. “Nobody wanted me for anything but a commodity. I wasnt a person so much as a set piece. I was like an afterthought to everyone, the comic relief that would always get ‘dunked on’ for the shits and giggles of others.” He glared at Jade. “You cant talk to me about whats worse than what unless you can honestly tell me that you could live like that.” He turned to Callie. “How about you? Does that sound like a good life to you?” Jake plopped his ass down on the moon’s surface.

“jake, i guess i havent really been the best grandmother slash granddaughter slash daughter slash sister to you lately.” Jade chuckled to herself. “maybe partly because i have no clue which of those im supposed to be.”

Jake scratched his head. “Im just now realizing how strange of a question that is to leave unanswered.”

“the point is, there are two things that i am pretty sure of.” Jade looked her grandson/grandpa/dad/brother sternly in the eye. “you cant run away from your problems forever, and even one year without another human being is enough to really mess with you.”

“i coUld not have said that better myself, thank yoU jade.”

“same goes for you, stupid!” Jade shoved Callie’s shoulder. “shut up with your interstellar joUrney this and mUst reject the company of hUmans that and just act like a PERSON!”

“i’m NOT a person, jade! why doesn’t anybody fUcking get that?” Calliope shoved Jade’s shoulder back, hard. “i’m not like yoU, or the trolls, or even the goddamn chess fUckers! a cherUb is only sUpposed to know ennUi and hatred, and yoU coUld never possibly know how Uncomfortable it is to feel anything else.” She fiddled with the ring on her finger. “sometimes, i wonder what woUld happen if i jUst took this damn ring off and tossed it into the ocean. bUt even that woUldn’t bring me peace, becaUse i’d jUst go back to being a ghost. and apparently my fUckUp elder self rUined the afterlife, too.” She gripped her hand into a fist. “i find a way to make everything awfUl every time, don’t i? i don’t even Understand where this anger coUld be coming from.”

Jade rubbed her arm. She could already feel a nasty bruise forming. “im gonna go.” She turned around and shot back planetside, leaving a green trail 1.3 light seconds long.

Jake stared at Callie for a few seconds and stood up. “I think ill go with her. Good luck in space.” He flew away and took significantly more than two seconds to get back to earth.

“unu”

\---

And so, within hours, Calliope sprouted her wings for the very first time. Why exactly she sprouted them after being stuck at one age for so long, she wasn’t quite sure. Perhaps it was because all facets of her brother had been defeated in this timeline, which was close enough to her predominating over him. Perhaps the anger she was feeling lately was an internalization of her brother, which was close enough to predominating over him. Or perhaps a thousand other things, since none of us really know how her species works.

What was clear was that she looked like an angel as she spread them. Glowing and angry and sad. Cherubic.

\---

In a house nowhere nearby, Kanaya helped her wife clean a bloodstain out of their carpet. There was probably some symbolism there, that a celebration of a new beginning was marred by a bloody end, and a nice carpet was stained by a bloody end. It wasn’t going anywhere, they’d have to get a new carpet. Maybe they’d frame this one as a reminder not to invite xenophobes to parties anymore. Little baby Vriska would love that.

\---

In the far-off troll kingdom, Dave and Karkat pushed their beds together. It would have to do until they went out to buy a bigger bed to share. Both of their phones kept lighting up with messages about Jane, but they took no notice.

\---

All over the carapace kingdom, Jade hung up posters. “looking for a band to join. serious inquiries only.” Every once in awhile she’d look up at the moon, a chilling reminder of the misfortune of these past few days. Still, she was finding herself. Nothing would stop her self-actualization train a-chugging.

\---

Dirk sat in his house, staring at a wall. Gog damn, this timeline had gone off the rails. Was this really his life, where his ex-boyfriend was evading the law for murdering his ex-running mate? Knowing none of this was true, Dirk struggled to see how any of it was relevant or essential.

\---

In a courthouse she probably hadn’t been given permission to visit, Terezi boned up on modern Earth C law practices. She knew he didn’t really have it in him to run away forever, and when he came back she was so totally going to be his lawyer. Now if only she had a good defense.

\---

In a police station somewhere, Roxy waited impatiently as John was questioned. She didn’t know why this was all so necessary, since Jake was obviously guilty. Every additional minute spent thinking about this was a minute she hated wholeheartedly, and she just wanted to go home and eat some french toast that was definitely cold by now.

\---

And in another station, or possibly the same one, Jake walked in, gave himself up, and was put into a high security cell with no hope of escape.

“This is fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it. Part two of my epic tale of romance, bromance, and contrivance. This might be the last chapter for a while. Let's talk.
> 
> I started Terezi: Press Continue back in April, or maybe May, as one year of college was winding down and a very long summer stretched out ahead of me. For a month or two, I actually thought I had flunked out of school, but it turns out I didn't do that and now it's about time for me to go back. School should be my main priority for a bit, not a self-indulgent fanfiction where the rich get murdered and the girls get kissed.
> 
> That said, I've also been cooking up something new lately. A work of original fiction in an original world, just waiting for me to get a willing audience from here and dupe them into reading something else by me. That's right, Unnamed Prequel to a Game I Made When I Was Sixteen is coming. Keep an eye on my writer's page for when I release the first chapter of that, and also follow me on tumblr [@trans-peridot](https://trans-peridot.tumblr.com/) to hear what's up with it once I start talking about it over there. Maybe all along this dumbass story was just a scam to get more followers on tumbler dot hell.
> 
> And as usual, I feed off your comments. Feedback sustains me.


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